


Madness

by orphan_account



Series: Babysitter!AU [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Anal Sex, Babysitter!Bilbo, Dwori - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Masturbation, Miscommunication, Multi, Phone Sex, Thilbo, bagginshield, slight PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-27
Updated: 2013-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-06 16:02:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 33,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/737528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo, babysitter to the little monsters Fili and Kili, finds his quiet life in utter shambles when the madness of the Durin family begins to attract itself to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Little Monsters

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm fond of the Babysitting!AU, so here's a new story.
> 
> Enjoy!

Bilbo loved children, he really did, but Fili and Kili Durin were little monsters.

Sure, they were small and cute, wide eyed with smiles as bright and brilliant as the sun, but behind those eyes and smiles they were always weaving some intricate, evil little plot to make Bilbo’s life a misery.

When he first heard the Durin family needed a babysitter, he’d wondered why they hadn’t been able to find one, but now he knew. What’s more, he now also knew that the Durin boys had gone through seven other babysitters in the past six months, having driven them completely mad with their tricks.

But Bilbo was determined to not be the eighth. Even if it meant that occasionally Fili would convince him that Kili was stuck and Bilbo had to climb in (into whatever place it was this time) and get him. And of course Bilbo would get stuck himself and have to call for the neighbour. Or at least try to worm his way out of wherever he'd been tricked into crawling into. All the while, of course, the little monsters cackled and giggled at him.

Really, he didn’t even know why he kept falling for it.

Bilbo didn’t mind the jokes and the games too much, after all boys would be boys, but if they ever became a little too cheeky, he would only need to threaten to leave, which had them both blubbering and promising to be better. Of course he felt a little guilty after that, but a person has to do what they have to do, right?

The attachment to Bilbo was fine, usually, but the heavy possession they held on him could be quite infuriating, especially when they tended to bite the legs of anyone who smiled, looked at, or spoke to him for more than five seconds.

Bilbo felt pleased that the boys liked him so much, but at times really did consider quitting. After all, there was only so much screaming and running and crying and beatings he could take at playtime. The boys were really quite rough when they wanted to be, but to their insistence it wasn't their fault. They were simply the knights, and Bilbo was the evil dragon they had to slay.

Then, when Bilbo had informed them he would have rather liked to be an Elf, they sat him down and gave him a stern talking-to, as Elves were not as nice as Bilbo thought they were, and were 'jealous, vindictive tree-shaggers', as Fili had put it. For which Bilbo had to scold him, of course, wondering where on Earth he'd heard such a thing. Kili had admitted later that they'd heard it from some of their Uncles, who had been complaining about some 'Elf of a man' at the last Christmas party.

Then finally, at the end of the day, Dis would get home from work to find Bilbo all but passed out on the floor, his hair matted and his clothes ripped and stained with food, dirt and paint. And she’d thank him and offer him tea, and though he just wanted to go home and collapse, Bilbo always accepted, which resulted in many occasions where he’d fallen asleep, face in his teacup, halfway through a sentence.

Dis, ever the schemer (just like her sons), attempted to find out every little thing she could about the young man and all but drilled him during these little tête-à-tête’s (of course in a very polite and sneaky manner). And Bilbo, too tired to complain, or to even notice, answered her questions with an unassuming yawn.

"I'll need you to look after the monsters on Sunday next week," she'd informed him late one night, handing him a hot cup which he gratefully took.

"You will?" Dis worked very hard, but had always made sure her weekends were free to spend with her family. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no!" Dis waved a hand in the air, "It's just that some family is coming over for Fili's tenth birthday next Monday, so I'll have to go and pick some people up at the airport,"

"Oh, of course." Bilbo gave a small smile.

"Fili and Kili are just horrible in airports," Dis continued, and Bilbo didn't want to imagine. "Last time they followed a security guard about, and when they got in trouble, they pulled his trousers down in front of the incoming passengers."

"My," Bilbo set the cup down, "I have to say, I'm not all that surprised."

"No, I suppose not." Dis sighed, flicking her long, thick black hair over her shoulder. "Fili used to be so well behaved, as well. But as soon as Kili came along," she snapped her fingers, "it was double trouble time."

"They do seem to be quite a pair," admitted Bilbo.

"You should see them milk their teachers. The things they get away with! But it doesn't work on family, thankfully."

"Not falling for it after one too many times?"

"Something like that, yes."

Bilbo smiled softly. "Fili hasn't been able to talk about anything else but his birthday these past few days, he says he's going to get a motorcycle." Dis let out her usual lovely laugh, throwing her head back.

"Of course he did. Last year he told Kili that my brother was somehow going to get him a dinosaur. God knows where he gets the ideas from," she took a sip of her tea before speaking again. "And you'll come for the party, won't you? Only I know the boys are a handful, but they are very fond of you, they cried last week when I said you couldn't come in because of that cold, and they tell the rest of the family all about you when they call."

"I suppose I could." Bilbo said now, images of a quiet day at home flying out the window. "I would love to."

"Wonderful, I just know the family will love you."

 _If they're anything like Fili and Kili I might have to run away._ Bilbo thought dryly, lifting the cup to his lips.

 

 


	2. Arrivals

Bilbo didn’t have any family. His parents had died when he was still in his teens and he was left to fend for himself ever since. He must have had some cousins somewhere but Bilbo had never met nor heard from them at all.

So naturally he wasn’t too used to big families, and often looked on them with a mixture of awe, curiosity and envy. He would have loved to have a big family, even a chaotic one. He often found himself staring up at the roof of his little apartment, late at night, wondering what it would be like to have family dinners, or people to visit for the holidays, or annoying cousins or uncles or siblings or... well, _anything_ , really.

So when he approached the front door to Dis’ house on the Sunday and knocked, he felt a knot in his stomach.

It was silly, of course. There would be no one home while he looked after Fili and Kili, and when Dis _did_ get back with whoever she was picking up from the airport, he would leave.

But regardless of that scolding, he felt the knot tighten when Dis left, kissing the whining boys on the cheek, informing them that she would never allow them to be at the airport again. Not after the last fiasco.

He passed the feeling off as envy, which, to be honest, it was. A big family, all showing up to celebrate a birthday: it was something Bilbo had ached for in his younger years.

He still ached for it now, though he never admitted it.

Bilbo briefly lamented what it would be like to have people flying across the country to see him, but pushed those thoughts back and turned to the boys with a smile.

“Pancakes?” he asked, earning a cheer. He shuffled about, grabbing ingredients, as the boys yammered on about their relatives.

“So how many will be coming for your birthday?” Bilbo queried as he flipped the pancakes.

“All of them!” Fili declared in unison with his brother.

“ _All_ of them?” He wondered, and Fili nodded excitedly. “Is there enough room in the house for all your relatives?” From what he’d learnt, the Durin family was a big one.

“Oh, its okay, Bilbo,” Fili waved it off, his golden hair swinging cheerily as he moved; “they don’t mind sleeping on the floor.”

Kili murmured his assurances as well, eagerly holding his fork in his fist. “Someone _always_ has to sleep on the floor when we’re all together,” he announced in his usual sugary-sweet voice, “so we’re used to it.”

“First one to the bed is the first one to get a bed!” Fili added, all cheery and sing-song.

Perhaps there were downsides to having a big family.

“So it’s first in, best dressed, is it?”

“Uh-huh,” the boys nodded as he set the pancakes onto their plates.

“Alright, eat up.”

They didn’t need any prodding, scooping their food up and shovelling it down with a ferocity Bilbo rarely saw anywhere else. When he’d asked Dis about it, she’d simply informed him that it was a family thing.

“So,” he clapped his hands together now, watching the boys eat, “what’s the plan for the morning?”

“We want to play adventures again.”

“Again?” Bilbo let out a sigh. “I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea. Last time you got stuck in that tree in the backyard, remember?”

“And then you got stuck trying to get me down.” Fili pointed out.

“Yes, and then I had to call Mister Elrond over from next door to help the both of us, didn’t I?”

“And then I bit his leg.” Kili chimed in helpfully.

“Yes. You did. And that was wrong, wasn’t it, Kili?”

“It was." Kili had the grace to look slightly remorseful, but Bilbo could tell he didn’t really mean it, because his eyes sparked mischievously.

“So," he continued, "I’m not too keen on having a replay of last week’s incident.”

So after they'd finished eating, instead of getting stuck up another tree, Bilbo sat and watched the two boys play fight in the backyard for a few hours, though he had to threaten to take them both inside after hearing a few choice insults, like 'poncy Elfin prat' and some other words Bilbo had never heard before but knew were rude.

It started to cloud over midmorning and Bilbo called the boys inside to sit them down with a movie.

“Are you doing your languages today?” Kili crawled into Bilbo’s lap as he spoke.

“Ma said we didn’t have ta, cause t'day is a busy day,” he sounded quite happy with himself.

“But you’re all up to speed on your last lesson, aren’t you?”

Fili gave a nod. “Sure are, Uncle Bilbo.”

“Now, I told you not to call me that, I’m not your Uncle.”

“Sure you are,” Fili snuggled into the cushions, “we adopted you.”

“Adopted me?” He asked, and Kili nodded into his shoulder. “I’m not sure it works like that,”

“It does, you’ll see.”

They fell into silence, watching the movie, Kili kicking his legs in frustration and boredom while waiting for the fight scenes.

“Hey Bilbo,” Fili said eventually.

“Yes?”

“Am I old enough to get a mobile phone yet?”

Ah. “I don’t think so, Fili." Bilbo replied now. "What did your mother say?”

He paused before replying. “She said no.”

Bilbo laughed. “Well, then there you go.”

Fili turned to face him now, tucking his legs underneath him and looking at Bilbo earnestly. “But maybe you could talk to her, y’know, and say that I’d be really, really responsible and only use it for emergencies, and maybe to impress my friends and stuff.”

“Why don’t you tell her that yourself?” he asked.

“Because she’ll believe it coming from you,” Fili's words made Bilbo laugh again.

“I think you’re going to have to come up with a better plan than that, Fili.” The young boy huffed, falling back into a sitting position. To cheer him up, Bilbo added, “I got you a very nice present for your birthday tomorrow. It’s sitting on my kitchen counter at home right now.”

Fili’s face lit up. “You did?”

“Of course I did. It’s your birthday; I have to bring you something, don't I?”

“Are you gonna make those pastries to bring, Uncle Bilbo?” Kili wondered, looking up at him eagerly.

“I certainly am," he assured them, "and I might even bring cookies as well, if you’re lucky.”

A look of raptorous delight came over both the boy's faces. “Really?” Kili asked.

“Yes,” Bilbo checked his watch now. “When did Dis say she'd be back?” The boys shrugged. “Alright,” he turned to movie off, none of them having paid it any attention for a while now, “lunch time, I think.”

Returning to the kitchen he made sandwiches and sat with the boys, watching them eat and drink and, after all this time, still marvelling at the brutal way they devoured their food.

“Why do you eat like that, Uncle Bilbo?”

Bilbo looked down at his food. “Like what, Kili?”

“Like that,” Kili waved his stubby hands at Bilbo, who was holding a half-eaten ham sandwich in one hand and a cup of tea in the other.

He raised an eyebrow. “With manners, you mean?”

Kili scrunched up his face.

“We eat with manners,” Fili defended, hands slapping on the table, sandwich crusts littered in front of him.

“You eat like little barbarians," Bilbo replied simply. "But your mother says the lot of you do, so I haven’t tried to stop you yet- Fili, please, eat _some_ of your crusts. They’re good for you.”

Fili was pouting. “I hate them. They’re... crusty,”

“You like the crusts of pies, doin’t you?”

He looked at Bilbo suspiciously, unsure of where the question was leading to. “Well... yes.”

“Then you can suffer through eating just one of your sandwich crusts.” Bilbo huffed when Fili remained unresponsive, still making his infamous miserable face. “How about this," BIlbo tried now, "if you eat _one_ sandwich crust, just _one_ , then I’ll give you a hint as to what your birthday present is.”

“You will?”

“I will.” Bilbo nodded.

Fili picked a crust up immediately, stuffing it in his mouth and chewing roughly. “Alright,” he spoke through his mouthful, “give me a hint now.”

“Alright... my hint is: Sharp am I, though not always so, one swipe with me can defeat a foe, your greatest guard I can be though, sight is something I do not know. Keep me with you to survive; my skin will shine in firelight.”

“That’s not fair!” Fili cried, looking utterly confused. Kili was frowning at his food in conerntration, mubling the words to himself. “I don’t know what that means!” Bilbo chuckled.

“Then you’ll just have to think _really_ hard about it.”

Fili didn’t seem to like that answer, instead he turned to his brother, who had a sandwich stuffed halfway down his mouth. “Do you have any ideas?”

Kili shook his head adamantly. “None,” the word was muffled by all the food in his mouth. “Bilbo?”

“Finish eating before you talk, Kili, or you’ll choke.”

Kili obeyed, chewing animatedly and swallowing. “Bilbo,” he said again.

“Yes, Kili?”

“Can you braid my hair like Fili’s now?”

“I thought you didn’t like braids.”

Kili swung his feet, lowering his gaze shyly. “I don’t mind one or two.” He informed him quietly.

“Well, alright, let’s move into the living room.”

Bilbo had never been very good at braiding hair, he’d never had to do anything like it before, but he prided himself on the thought that he was a lot better now than he had been when the kids had first asked him to do it.

Kili, who was still used to having nap time after lunch, fell asleep in Bilbo’s lap while he attempted to braid the thick, matted excuse for hair.

“Does he ever brush it?” Bilbo asked Fili, who was tapping on his gameboy nearby.

“Ma holds him down and brushes it every couple of days if she’s quick enough to catch him.”

“Hmm,” Bilbo looked back down at the knotted mass now. “It’s getting long.”

“Good luck trying to get him to cut it. Last time he cried for hours afterwards and Ma caught him trying to glue it all back on.”

“Poor thing,” Bilbo stroked his hair.

“He’s a big baby. It’s not so bad.”

“Yes, but you don’t like having baths.”

FIli stomped his feet. “But that’s different!”

“I’m afraid to tell you, Fili, it really isn’t all that different.”

“But I- you-” Fili spluttered, mouth falling open gracelessly. He would have continued, had the front door not opened and Dis’ voice rung out.

“We’re home!” Kili shot awake, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree.

They surged to their feet, running towards to front door, and Bilbo struggled to get up without groaning about his aching knees like an old man while they greeted the new arrivals.

“Where’s Bilbo?” he heard Dis ask as he moved through the living room.

“Right here,” he announced, rounding the corner. “They’re a little too fast for me to keep up all the time”

Three others stood in the front hall with Dis. A very tall, bald man with knuckle tattoos and what seemed like a permanent frown on his face, a short fellow (almost as short as Bilbo was), with a badly knitted cardigan on, and an elderly man, with thick white hair on top of his head and deep lines around his eyes.

“Bilbo, this is Balin, his brother Dwalin and Dwalin’s partner Ori,”

“Hello,” Bilbo offered a shy smile. “Nice to meet you,”

“You too, laddie,” Balin captured Bilbo’s hand in his own, shaking it keenly. “When I Skype with the little ones they don’t shut up about you,” Fili and Kili, who had attached themselves to Dwalin’s legs, grinned.

“Oh, well... that’s very sweet of them.” Hopefully. God only knew what things they'd been saying.

Dwalin stepped forward now, dragging the kids along with him. “So you’re Bilbo, then.”

“Yes, I am.”

“This is Uncle Dwalin, Bilbo!” Fili informed him.

“You two were right,” he said, glancing at his nephews. “He _is_ short.” Fili and Kili snickered, and Bilbo blushed to the tips of his ears.

“Dwalin,” Ori scolded him now, “there is nothing wrong with being short.” Dwalin made a face. “Ori,” he said, even though he’d already been introduced, offering a kind smile. “Lovely to meet you finally.”

Unsure what to say, Bilbo just managed a stuttered ‘you too’, shaking the hand that was offered.

“Why don’t you stay for some tea, Bilbo? I’m sure you need a well-deserved break from these two.” Dis reached over, ruffling both Fili and Kili's hair.

“They were actually quite well behaved today,” Bilbo informed her, a little surprised himself. “There were no incidents; I suppose they wanted to behave because of the visitors.”

“I did tell them they’d have to stay upstairs when the others arrived if they misbehaved," Dis grinned and shrugged. "I didn’t think it’d actually do the trick, though.”

“Well, it must have.” He was going to open his mouth to say something about leaving for the day, but Dis took his arm and led him towards the kitchen, speaking before he could even get a word out of his mouth.

“Come now. We’ll make some tea while the guests put their bags upstairs.”

 

 


	3. “Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I've got the worst sleeping pattern in history, here's another chapter for you all.

Dwalin wasn’t as scary as he looked when he held a dainty little tea cup in his big hands, Bilbo found out not too soon after he’d gone into the kitchen with Dis.

He tried not to laugh, for fear of his life, when the large bear-of-a-man lifted the cup to his lips and sipped daintily, as if he were the Queen. But when the laughter bubbled over, not able to be fully repressed, he disguised it as coughing, to which Ori had offered a handkerchief and some throat soothers.

“I’ve always got some cold or other,” he’d explained as he held them out. “I’m afraid I’ve just got a terrible immune system. Dwalin's always having to play nurse.” Bilbo thanked him for his kindness, but declined. He also found himself pointedly ignoring the rather uncomfortable image Ori's words put in his head.

“Who else is coming?” he’d asked instead, purely out of curiosity. FIli and Kili's explanation of 'all of them' just didn't seem to explain everything properly.

“Well, there’s our father Thrain,” Dis ticked him off on a finger, “then there is Oin, Gloin, Bofur, Bifur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, and my brothers Frerin and Thorin.” She had said the names in such quick succession that Bilbo had missed most of them. In fact, it had sounded like she’d just spoken one very long, strange sounding word.

“Jesus,” he said, unable to stop himself.

Dis let out a shout of laughter. “There are a few of us. I did tell you we were a big family,” she added pointedly.

Bilbo considered that. “I suppose you did...”

“Don’t worry,” Ori was quick to assure him, “everyone’s really nice. The only scary thing about us all being together is the prospect of meal times.” he let out a chortle: a bright, friendly sound. Bilbo felt the urge to resist one of those ridiculous 'aww' sounds when Dwalin looked down at his partner lovingly.

“He’s right,” Balin agreed, snagging Bilbo's attention. “After a meal it’ll look like a bomb’s hit the place- which gives you a good idea of what it looks like _during_ the meal.”

“I’d hate to get between a Durin and their dinner, then.” This earned a strange rumbling sound from Dwalin, which Bilbo quickly realised what laughter.

 _Thank God_. If he had heard it from another room, Bilbo would have placed it as some sort of menacing growl.

“So when are they due to arrive?” he queried, putting the conversation back on track.

Dis shrugged again. “Any time today and early morning tomorrow as well.” As if perfectly timed, the doorbell rang loudly.

“I’ll get it!” Fili cried, bounding past the kitchen in the direction of the front door, Kili hot on his heels, tripping over himself as he ran.

“I think that may be Dori and Nori,” Ori chimed in. “They’re my brothers,” he turned to Bilbo, explaining with a smile. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen them last, so I’m rather excited. Dori’s been very busy working and Nori only just got out of prison.”

“Prison?” Bilbo repeated, eyes wide.

“It’s nothing really,” Dis assured him. “If he were a terrible hardened criminal I wouldn’t let him near the children, would I?”

That made him feel slightly better.

“He’s light fingered, Mister Bilbo," Ori elaborated, "has a habit of getting twitchy and lifting things.”

“Oh,” he'd better keep an eye on his wallet, then.

“He’s very sleight of hand. But he’s better, really. He’s in one of those rehabilitation groups. He doesn’t rob people anymore.”

“No," Dwalin rolled his eyes, "he only works scams in his card games now.”

“You can’t prove that.”

Bilbo turned to find the doorway taken up by two men, one with thick grey knots braided into his receding hair, and the other, whose hair similar to Ori’s, only a brighter shade of red, and stood up in the strangest of ways. Dori and Nori, then.

Ori cried out happily, jumping off his stool and moving over to his brothers to embrace them.

"Bofur decide not to come with you, Nori?"

Nori shrugged. "He'll be coming with his own brothers."

"They had a fight," Dwalin leant over and whispered to Bilbo.

"What about?"

"God knows," Dwalin replied, "they fight about everything and then they're on top of each other like bloody rabbits." 

Bilbo choked on his drink.

Ori was in a state of raptures. “This is wonderful,” he said now, “but Nori, you’re not wearing the cardigan I made you.”

“Peace, brother,” Nori replied, “it's in my bag. I felt a little too hot to wear it.”

Dori just snickered. “Treating my brother well, I hope,” he said to Dwalin, moving and taking a seat in the kitchen. Dis stood up, filling the kettle up for another round of tea. Dwalin didn't bother answering.

“A drink, Dori?” Dis offered.

“Ah," Dori considered it for a moment, "yes. I’ll have some of that Scotch you hide in the cupboards, if you don't mind. It’s been a long morning and I haven’t slept a wink.”

“Is it appropriate to drink this early around the little ones?” Dwalin wondered, referring obviously to the only children here, who were hanging off of Nori, giggling and begging him to pick them up.

“Put it in a mug if you want, but I don’t think one drink is going to scar them psychologically.”

Dwalin conceded, putting his hands up in a gesture of peace.

“Now, who’s this I wonder?” Dori turned his pointed gaze onto Bilbo as he took his seat.

“This is Bilbo Baggins,” Dis replied gently, “he’s the babysitter, I’m sure you would have heard about him.”

“Oh, yes," Dori gave a rueful grin. "Quite the talk of the family.”

“Good to meet you, Mister Baggins- Bilbo, was it?” Nori grasped his hand firmly, giving it a hearty shake. “Nice to meet you, very nice- incredibly nice,”

“Uh, yes,” Bilbo tentatively removed his hand from the man’s grasp. “Nice to meet you, too. I didn’t realise I was such a talking point,” he added now, feeling a bit confused.

“Well, anyone who isn’t a blood relative that can last with those two for more than a month is going to be the talk of the family, aren’t they?” Nori waved at the boys. Dwalin grunted his agreement, and Ori muttered an ‘oh, yes’.

Bilbo supposed that made sense. Fili and Kili did seem to have a penchant for driving their babysitters crazy, if the stories of the last seven were anything to go by.

He’d achieved a milestone lasting as long as he had so far.

“Well, believe me there have been many times when I would have liked to find a bunker on the other side of the world to hide in.”

Nori chuckled. “It’s hard to keep them entertained sometimes,” he agreed.

Dis began to ask the brothers about any news and Bilbo felt a bit like he was intruding.

He didn’t know these people. They were all family, he was an outsider. It was time to take his leave.

He cleared his throat. “Listen, I’d really better be going. You’ve got a lot of catching up to do and I’d hate to be a bother.”

“Nonsense,” Dis said now, “you’re no bother!”

“Of course not, Bilbo,” agreed Ori, “you’re very welcome here.”

“Oh, please stay, Uncle Bilbo!” Fili and Kili chimed in.

“Very kind of you, but I’m afraid I must go. It’s been quite a tiring morning for me, as lacking in disaster as it may have been, and I’d like some rest.”

“Of course,” Dis replied, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder, “You go home and have a nice relaxing afternoon. And we’ll see you here tomorrow.”

“Oh, and Mister Bilbo?”

Bilbo turned as Nori came up to him. “Yes?”

“Here’s your watch,” he handed it to him nonchalantly.

“Oh,” Bilbo looked from his blank wrist to the watch that had now been placed in his hands. “I hadn’t even noticed it was gone. Well, thank you for giving it back.”

“Ah, I only do that sort of thing now to impress. We’ll see you tomorrow!”

Bilbo shuffled out of the kitchen and grabbed his jacket and keys. _That hadn’t gone too terribly_ , he told himself as he walked towards the front door. He hadn’t embarrassed himself in front of everyone, even if he did feel a little red-faced at Nori’s trick. But that was to be expected. At least he gave the watch back. He could have kept it, and how much more embarrassing would that have been?

Feeling a bit lighter he pulled open the door, he stepped out onto the front stairs and... collided with a very heavy, tall figure, causing him to slip and almost fall. He would have surely landed ungracefully on his backside if it hadn’t have been for the quick hands that caught him.

“Oh, we’ve got a clumsy one,” the words were spoken with a grin, and Bilbo looked up to find a charming smile aimed down at him. He struggled, absolutely mortified, to his feet.

“I-I’m so sorry-”

“No, it’s alright. Though Thorin’s not usually the one who sweeps them off their feet, if you know what I mean. That’s usually my job,” The man gave him a wink before offering a hand. “I’m Frerin.”

Frerin, who was much shorter than the other man (but still significantly talller than Bilbo), looked on him with kind eyes, waiting for some form of a reply.

“Uh, hello...” he accepted the outstretched hand, feeling a little bedfuddled, only just remembering vaguely that it was the polite thing to tell the man his own name. “Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins,”

“And this big oaf,” he grabbed the taller man’s shoulder and jostled him playfully. “Is my big brother Thorin.” Bilbo looked up at him now. Almost two whole heads taller than he was, Thorin was at that height where you had to start ducking to get through front doors. His shoulders stretched widely and broadly, taking up a lot of room, automatically lending a sense of authority to his person. Much like Frerin, his eyes were dark, his jaw sharp, his nose long and his lips thin, but the scowl on his face was certainly enough to differentiate him from his brother. So these were Dis' brothers. The family resemblance was there, certainly, though all three of the Durin siblings looked quite different in their own ways.

“Hello,” Bilbo said again, weakly this time, trying to ignore the shaky feeling in his knees. “I was just leaving...”

“Were you?" Frerin asked. "You sure we can’t tempt you back inside for another drink?”

“Uh, n-no”, Bilbo glanced down, avoiding Thorin’s gaze. “I really... I’d better be going.”

“Uncle Thorin! Uncle Frerin!” Bilbo stepped aside so the younglings could flounder out onto the stairs and greet their Uncles. Thorin’s face change immediately at the sound of his nephews calling his name, and he looked down at them with a fond smile, scooping Kili up in his arms, who grabbed hold of his thick hair.

Bilbo slipped away as Dis came down the hall, smile on her face, leaving them to their own devices.

The whole way home he tried to ignore the strange feeling in his stomach and in his chest, though it was hardest to ignore his shaking knees. He finaly reached his apartment, fingers shakily unlocking his door quickly and slamming it behind him, shutting the deadbolt for good measure. But it did nothing to satisfy the feeling churning inside of him. His legs gave way and he slid onto the floor, taking deep breaths, silently cursing himself.

_What have you gotten yourself into now, Bilbo Baggins?_

“Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear, this is not good.” He muttered to himself on the floor.

 

 


	4. "Dishonour on you and your family!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I’m really hoping I got all the Dwarves in this one- I think I did, but you can never be sure with all those names. I’d also like to thank everyone for leaving your comments and kudos as well- I really, really appreciate you taking the time to not only read it but leave a comment. Enjoy!

Bilbo didn’t feel good when he woke up. Well, he supposed he did feel _good_ , but it wasn’t the right _kind_ of good. It was a tingly sort of feeling, in his stomach. Like he was incredibly thirsty, even though he wasn’t. Bilbo thought it an odd mixture of dread and anticipation simultaneously settling in his stomach.

Whatever it was, Bilbo didn’t think he liked it. He’d never been one to enjoy the anticipation of things. He hated surprises and he hated to wait, which is why Bilbo always loathed watching Thrillers. He was far more of a documentary person, which probably said a lot more about his personality than he would have liked.

He sat in the bed for a while, staring at the wall on the other side of the room until the sun had risen enough before peeking one toe out, testing the temperature of the room. Finding it as agreeable as he probably ever would, he slipped out of bed, padding over to the bathroom and beginning to get ready.

He put off leaving for as long as he could, even going as far as packing the crumbly pastries tightly in a container one by one, adjusting them so they sat together neatly. Then, finally, with a resigned sigh, he tucked Fili’s birthday present underneath his arm and left for Dis’ house at a quarter past eleven.

It was quite a nice day, and Bilbo felt himself calming down as he walked, inhaling the morning air with deep breaths.

Reaching the street they lived on, Bilbo found could hear the Durin’s before he saw them. Yelling in the backyard, and he wondered if anyone would hear him knock on the door. When no one arrived he was considering knocking again, or just leaving the present on the doorstep and going home, but before he could make the decision the door was thrown open.

“Are those pastries?” was the first thing out of the man’s mouth.

“Oh, yes,” he handed them over. “Fili and Kili wanted me to bring some.” His hair was the brightest of oranges, and Bilbo had trouble telling where it ended and his thick moustache began. He also wondered if the man's large, round cheeks were this alarming shade of red all the time.

“You must be Bilbo!” the man chortled.

“Yes, yes I am.” But instead of asking him inside, the man simply turned and yelled over his shoulder.

“Bofur! Come over here, it’s that Bilbo fellow!” A smiling face popped around the door to greet him.

“’ello!” he stuck a hand out, covered by ratty looking fingerless glove. “I’m Bofur.” His voice was thick and Irish, and unable to pronounce _h_ ’s properly.

“I like your hat.” Bilbo said now, unsure of what else to say. It seemed a little warm for him to be wearing a fur Cossack, but Bilbo didn’t think he should mention that part.

“Thanks! I’ve ‘ad it forever, y’know.” He ran his hands over the ear flaps as he spoke. “Barely take it off. Come in, come in!” He pushed the other man out of the way and waved Bilbo inside. “Bombur forgets that 'e takes up the whole doorway sometimes,” he told Bilbo before letting out a loud, infectious laugh, and suddenly Bilbo was in a fit of giggles, though he had no idea why.

Bofur held most of the conversation, telling him all about his job as a toymaker, making handmade toys and selling them in stalls all over the country. He was in the process talking to some people about getting a loan to expand the business and open a second shop. Every now and again they’d pass someone and Bofur would introduce him. So far he’d only met Bifur, who had an alarming head wound from a welding accident many years ago. You couldn’t see it because of the skin healing over it, but the piece of metal that had lodged itself in his skull had been too dangerous to remove, so the doctors had through it safer to leave it in. Bofur joked about Bifur never having thought about safety until after that accident, and was constantly telling Bofur off for not being too careful when he whittled his little figurines.

They went into the kitchen after that, stumbling upon more people. “And this is Oin,” Bofur said now, gesturing at the man shuffling about the table. Oin didn’t move, instead keeping his eyes downcast, moving plates about.

“Ignore him,” Bofur assured Bilbo when he appeared to take offense. “Deaf as a post 'e is-  notice you in 'is own time.” he waved a hand at Oin, who still didn't turn. Another man entered the kitchen now, smiling when he caught sight of Bilbo and Bofur.

"This is Gloin," Bofur introduced.

"Nice to meet you." Gloin shook his hand, and Bilbo felt a number of heavy scars and callouses on his hand.

"Having a bit of trouble with this one, are yer?" He tapped on Oin's shoulder, making the older man jump. "Turn your damn hearing aid up!" he yelled at him. Oin reached up to his ear, fiddling with the aid.

"Eh?" he asked.

“There we go!” Bofur threw his arms wide as the man entered the kitchen. “Oin, this is Bilbo. Oin’s a doctor.” he leant in to Bilbo. "Speak a bit louder than usual," he instructed quietly.

“Oh, very impressive,” BIlbo announced, and Oin gave him a smile at the compliment. “Nice to meet you,”

“Have you seen the birthday boy yet?” Gloin wondered, catching his attention.

“No," Bilbo shook his head, "Bofur’s been introducing me to everyone first.”

“Well, he’s been asking for you," he informed Bilbo now. "Kili, too.”

“They have?” He felt guilt swarm a little in his stomach. “I’d better go say hello then. I’d hate to keep them waiting.” He made his way to the backyard, temporarily blinded by the sun.

“Ah, it’s Bilbo!” Frerin was the first to greet him as he stepped outside, taking his hand and shaking it. “Good to see you again.”

“You too,” he wasn't sure what else to say.

“Uncle Bilbo!” Kili launched himself at Bilbo, all but tackling him to the ground.

“What are you doing?" he tried to disentangle the boy from his legs. "We only saw each other yesterday.”

“But we missed you. Fili!” he called to his brother now, “Bilbo’s here, Fili!” A streak of colour very similar to Fili’s golden locks rushed past, and Fili bolted towards him.

“Bilbo!”

Bilbo threw an arm out. “No jumping on me!” Fili skidded to a halt, pouting. Grass was all through his hair and a top his head sat a paper crown, very badly coloured. Obviously Kili had made it for him. Bilbo smiled at that.

“But Kili got to jump on you.”

“Kili didn’t ask,” Bilbo set him down and ruffled Fili’s hair. “Happy birthday,” Fili beamed. “Have you opened your presents yet?”

“Yes!” Fili peered around Bilbo, as if he were hiding something behind his back. “Where’s your present?”

“Inside, go ahead and open it- but _be careful_!” Fili was already darting off in his excitement, Kili not far behind.

Dis came up to him now, grinning. “Drink?” Bilbo released a large sigh.

“I could use one, yes,”

“I trust you’ve met everybody now?” Dis asked now, moving towards the drinks table.

“Yes, Bofur introduced me to the ones I hadn’t met yesterday.”

Yelling erupted from inside.

“I think Fili has finished unwrapping your gift.” Dis said with a raised eyebrow.

Fili ran out now, waving a practice sword about dangerously. “You got my a sword! You got me a sword! Uncle Bilbo got me a sword!”

“Yes, I see that darling.” Dis winced. “Try to be careful, you might break a window, or... impale someone.”

“I checked with your mother,” Bilbo informed Fili now, “and she said because you were taking lessons it was okay if I got it for you.”

“This is so cool!” he swished it to the side, attacking an invisible foe. “Thank you, Uncle Bilbo!” And with that he was running off to butcher the trees in his excitement.

"Oh, dear."

"Not to worry, so long as he doesn't break anything structural, I'm calling it a win. Thorin," Dis called for her brother now, "come and say hello to Bilbo." Bilbo, thankfully, managed to repress a squeak. "You remember Thorin, Bilbo, don't you?"

"Yes. I certainly do," he looked up at the other man. "Hello."

"Hello," he replied gruffly.

When Thorin said nothing more, Bilbo cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Right, well... I think I'm just going to sit down now," he shuffled slightly away. "Tiring walk here and all that. If that's alright?"

"Of course it's alright, you're not here to work today, Bilbo. Even I took the day off."

"Right, right." Happy to walk away from the frighteningly tall man, Bilbo sunk into one of the seats that had been dragged outside. Kili rushed up to him, energy rolling off him in waves.

“You bought your pasties, Uncle Bilbo?”

“They’re inside, Kili, did you want me to get some for you?”

“Too late!” announced Bombur with a wide grin stretching across his face. “I ate them all.”

Kili’s mouth fell open, face a imxture of shock and betrayal.

“Rather delicious things, they were," Bombur continued, completely oblivious. "Did you make them yourself?”

“Yes. Yes, I did.” Bilbo frowned at him. “You ate them _all_? In one _sitting_?” 

Bombur gave a shrug. “Sure, why not?”

“You ate our pastries! Fili!” Kili pointed at Bombur, “Bombur ate the pastries Bilbo made for us!”

“Those were mine!” Fili threw his sword down and all but launched at Bombur, who rolled onto the ground comically. Kili, following his brother’s lead, departed from Bilbo’s side and helped with the attack on the poor man.

“Dishonor on you and your family!” Fili cried, smacking him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't supposed to end here, I've got a whole lot more written, but it's getting quite long so I thought I'd cut it in half and put the other one up later.
> 
> Edit: also, someone pointed out that it was Oin who was deaf, not Gloin, so I've fixed that little error up!


	5. Damn, damn, damn!

Bombur was laughing, as were the rest of the family now (save for the exception of Balin, who had taken out his phone to film it), so Bilbo stayed where he was seated, watching the attack the two boys were staging.

 “You liking the family then, Bilbo?” Frerin asked him, taking the seat beside him and Bilbo looked about at the chaos unfolding around him. He chose his next words carefully.

“They're certainly... interesting,” Frerin let out a loud laugh, his head falling backwards, and Bilbo was reminded of Dis and her laugh. “You’re a lot like Dis,” he informed Frerin, looking over to where she was trying to peel Fili and Kili off of Bombur.

“Yeah, we get that a lot. I suppose we’re quite similar, there’s only eleven months between us, you know.”

“Oh?”

“Our parents were pretty busy people, if you catch my drift.” Bilbo wrinkled his nose when Frerin winked theatrically. “Thorin’s taken the role of the grumpy older brother.”

“Is he very much older than you and Dis?” He didn't _look_ too old.

“Five years older,” Frerin answered.

“That’s not that big of a gap,” Bilbo mused now, glancing over at Thorin who was watching the scene unfold before him with a smile twitching his lips.

“No, but it might as well be a hundred years where Thorin is concerned.”

“Is that the door?” Dis was asking now. “I think it is. I think dad might be here. Boys, I think your grandfather has arrived!” Having heard this news, the boys stopped their tirade on Bombur, jumping to their feet and trailing after Dis, who had gone to get the door.

Bombur struggled to his feet, much like a turtle struggles to flip over when it’s been put on his back, and had to get help from three of the others to set himself rightly on his feet again.

“Bilbo, my dear lad!” he waddled over to where he sat and Frerin got off the chair to make room for him. “Are you sure, boy? I’d hate to steal your seat,” Frerin just waved his hand at the chair and took his leave. “Bilbo, Bilbo! What on earth was that recipe for those delicious pastries?” Bilbo simply raised an eyebrow. “I’m a chef, you see.” Bombur explained now. “I love food. It’s my passion-” he pressed one hand to his large, round belly. “Probably noticed already, eh?” He laughed, and Bilbo laughed with him. “But I do. Love food, that is. It’s nice to be able to create something that people will enjoy, something that fills and warms their tummies,” he gave Bilbo’s a pinch. “Don’t you think?”

“Well, yes." He shifted uncomfortably. No one ever really touched his stomach, let alone _pinched_ it. "That’s very poetic of you.”

“I’m really quite good, as well, if I do say so myself. I was going to go on Hell’s Kitchen, you know,” he said now. “But Gordon Ramsey scares me.”

“Ah, well,” Bilbo wasn’t really sure what to say to that.

“Here he is!” Dis announced, and they turned to the back door where a very tall man was standing. “Grandpa Thrain.” Grandpa Thrain waved regally, giving a bow.

“How nice it is to see my loyal subjects again,” Bombur rolled his eyes. “I do think I need a seat, though,” he pressed a hand to his stomach. “Feeling a little ill,” Fili and Kili rushed to grab one of the spare chairs, carrying it over for him. “Thank you, boys. Who’s birthday is it today, again?”

“Mine, Grandpa,” Fili informed the man.

“Ah, well this is for you,” he handed the boy a badly wrapped, thin parcel. Eagerly, Fili tore at it, the brown paper falling to the ground in shreds, leaving a magazine Bilbo couldn’t see all that well.

Fili slowly read the title. “Play...boy magazine?” He turned it onto its side, as if the picture on the cover might make more sense if he did so.

“I think,” Dis snatched it away from him, “that should stay with me,” She put it behind her back and shot her brother an annoyed look. One which he reciprocated.

“He got him Playboy magazine?” Bilbo asked, stunned.

“More than likely the old man forgot the birthday was there and picked up the first thing he could fine on his way here.” Bombur explained.

“Oh, dear.”

“But it’s mine, can’t I have it?” Fili was looking up at his mother, employing his best wide, innocent, injured doey-eyes. It didn’t work.

“Don’t worry, honey. Grandpa will get you another present while he’s here, a _proper_ present.” This seemed to placate Fili enough, because he and Kili went to find his sword. “Now we can play _proper_ adventures!” he informed his brother.

“Why did I get an unsettling feeling in my stomach when I heard that?” Bilbo all but wailed now.

“Because we all did, lad,” Bobmur slapped him on the back. “I’m off to go get some more food, you want anything?”

“No, no, I’m alright,” he stood up himself, walking back over to get another drink. The boy’s squealing had gotten increasingly louder, and Bilbo was glad to put some distance between himself and the source of the noise.

“Maybe for the next birthday I’ll get us all earplugs,” Dis was saying to Thorin, not a few feet away.

“Do you mind?” a head of bright blonde hair in Elrond’s yard shot up over the fence, a very irritated scowl stretched across his fair features. Fili and Kili jumped away from the fence they were playing beside, looking up at the man. “I’m trying to read and you’re all really very noisy.”

“We’re playing!” Fili announced indignantly. “We’re allowed to play, this is our house.”

“It’s only one in the afternoon, Thranduil." Dis kept her voice calm and her tone polite. "We’re having a birthday party, it’s not like we’re throwing a satanic bonfire party and burning effigies.”

“You might as well be,” he huffed, turning his head dramatically before disappearing again.

“Drama Queen,” he heard Thorin mutter.

“Who was that?” Bilbo wondered now, looking at the place the man had been just a moment ago. “I haven’t seen him before.”

 “That’s Elrond’s platinum-plated cousin. Randy Thrandy, we call him. Last Christmas he turned the hose and Fili and Kili after they snuck into the backyard where he was sleeping and cut his precious hair. They were shivering all night.”

Bilbo snorted. “He does seem the irritable type, though I’d be tempted to turn the hose on them if they ever cut _my_ hair.”

“They’d never do such a thing. They like _you_. Thrandy, on the other hand...”

“He’s a tree-shagger!” Kili peeked around Dis’ side now, grinning.

“Kili!" She scolded. "Don’t use such language!”

“But Uncle Dwalin said it-”

“Uncle Dwalin says a lot of things," Thorin announced, "all of which you should never repeat.”

“So I shouldn’t say that he called Ori his little ginger muffin?”

Thorin choked on his drink and Bilbo pressed a hand over his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

“Probably for the best you don’t tell anyone else that,” Bilbo informed him through his fingers, glancing over at Dwalin now. “You might upset him.”

Kili just shrugged. “I suppose so.”

“Can I ask what did Thranduil do to make you hate him so much?” Bilbo asked the boys.

“He said he’d give us some sweets if we cleaned his car,” Fili informed him, “and when we finished he gave us raisins. _Raisins_ ,”

“And that’s an executable offense?”

“Raisins are not candy!” Kili gave a stomp of his foot.

“Did you tell him that?” Thorin asked now, and the boys nodded. “And what did he say?”

“He told us to sod off and shut the door in our face,” Fili crossed his arms over his chest. “So we went and cut his hair the day after.”

“...how badly did you cut it?” Bilbo wondered, and Fili‘s chest puffed out in pride.

“Real badly. We made sure it was patchy and everything.”

Thorin started chuckling, recalling the memory.

 “You should have seen it,” Dis said now, joining her brother in his laughter. “I should have taken a picture. He was furious.” Bilbo had to admit, it was an amusing picture he had created in his mind. “Oh,” she straightened, just remembering something, “I’d better go check the cake! I’ll be back in a minute!” She ran off then, leaving Thorin and Bilbo in each others company, Kili pulling at the hem of Bilbo’s shirt in boredom.

“Why Randy Thrandy?” Bilbo asked after a few moment of silence. Best he ask a question to keep it from getting _too_ awkwardly silent.

“He hits on everything that moves.” Thorin informed him casually, taking a sip of his drink.

“Oh,” he didn’t say anything else, but Thorin didn’t make any move to leave, so they stood in a slightly uncomfortable silence, watching Bifur and Bofur who were seeing who could hold more cinnamon rolls in their mouth.

“You enjoy looking after the kids?” Bilbo jumped at the sound of Thorin’s voice.

“Yes, yes. I mean, they can be a little... you know, but all kids are, right?”

“I don’t know many children as spasmodic as they are,” Thorin was right. One second they were bounding playfully, the next they were on the ground, taking a nap. The first few times it had happened, Bilbo had thought they’d had some sort of fit.

“You are right there,” he agreed.

“They seem to like you. It’s the only reason they haven’t glued your face to the wall or-”

“-cut my hair while I was sleeping?” Bilbo suggested.

Thorin chuckled again. “Exactly.”

“So, did you get a bed?” Bilbo choked on the words, realizing that didn’t sound quite what he’d meant it to sound like. “I mean,” He rushed on, “Fili was telling me that someone always has to sleep on the floor, and-”

“I got a room, thankfully.” _Thank God_ , Bilbo thought, _if he hadn’t of interrupted I would have babbled on forever. Stupid, stupid!_ “Though I had to wrestle Bofur for it.”

Bilbo wanted to laugh at the image the words evoked, but he didn't. “Well, I’m sure that wasn’t too arduous for you. You’re much bigger than he is. _Taller_ , I mean.”

“I’m much bigger than most people.”

Bilbo ignored the fluttering feeling in his stomach when Thorin gave him a lopsided smile.

_Damn, damn, damn!_


	6. Twat

Bilbo had intended on spending what was left of his day on Tuesday finishing a particularly good book and enjoying a cup of tea, but instead he was sitting in a noisy cafe, listening to Bofur chatter on about everything and everything, his wide grin making it almost impossible for Bilbo to _not_ smile back.

“As much as I love t’em boys,” he was saying now, pulling apart a slice of raisin toast with his fingers, “t’ey ‘ave a tendency to drive me utterly crazy.”

“They do seem to be best when they’re dealt with in small doses.” Bilbo agreed, finishing off his tea. “Should we order those drinks the others wanted you to get now? I’d hate to keep them waiting any longer.”

“Screw ‘em,” Bofur waved a hand. “T’ey can deal with t’em screaming kids for a little longer.”

“Not without coffee, I don’t think.”

“Ah, you’re right," Bofur grinned. "I don’t like it, but you’re right.”

“Why did you invite me out for a drink, by the way?” queried Bilbo as he helped Bofur carry the numerous cups of coffee.

“Well, like I told yer, the others wanted some decent coffee, so t’ey sent me on a scouting mission to get some. I wasn’t keen on going back t’ere too soon, and yer seemed an alright sort of bloke, interesting to talk to, so I sent Dis a message, asking for yer number, and called yer.” Bofur gave a shrug. “T’at’s about it, really.”

“And now, I suppose I have to help you cart all this back to the house?” Bilbo assumed Bofur couldn't really carry all of these back by himself.

“If yer don’t mind,” Bofur replied with a grin and a grateful bow.

Bilbo found himself unable to say no. “Well, it’s not like you can carry it all by yourself anyway,” he said.

They pottered along, enjoying the sunshine, chatting incessantly about this and that. It was just so _easy_ to talk to Bofur, about anything. Bilbo found himself confessing his lack of family, only just catching his own tongue before he added anything about the constant lonely feeling in his chest, and the envy he felt looking up Bofur and the others. He did speak of his tentativeness, though, and the unsure feeling he felt when dealing with the large group that was taking up residence in Dis’ home.

“I’ve never been quite good with large groups, especially families,” he divulged, feeling his face heat up. “Although you’ve all been so kind to me,” he rushed on, not wishing to offend his newfound friend, “and made me feel so welcome.”

“No, I understand. You’re right. Not everyone is as blessed as we are in our numbers,” he gave Bilbo a firm and friendly pat on the shoulder, briefly balancing the cups precariously on top of each other. “But the boys are fond of you, as is Dis, and I believe the others feel much the same. You may not have kin by blood, but you certainly have many who consider you family.”

Bilbo felt something inside him warm at Bofur’s kind words. “Thank you, Bofur,” he replied, a smile stretching wide across his face, “I appreciate it.”

The house was oddly silent, save for some chatter in the living room, where the televisions was roaring, and Bilbo found many of the Durin family sitting in the kitchen, weary-eyed and yawning.

Dis looked exhausted; the lines around her eyes were dark and deep. “Kili had nightmares last night and was screaming like a banshee,” she explained, gratefully snatching up the cup he offered. “He kept most of us awake, save for Bombur, who could sleep through a bombing.”

“Obviously because his snoring sounds a lot _like_ a bombing,” a few of the others chucked at Gloin’s words.

“Fili and Kili are in the living room with Dwalin and Thorin if you’d like to say hello.”

Bilbo felt his stomach tighten, but nodded and made his way towards them nonetheless. His discomfort dissipated though, upon reaching the living room and taking in the sight before him.

Thorin was asleep, sprawled out on the couch, mouth wide open, snoring loudly, his long hair untied and tangled about his face and along the cushions. Dwalin was on the chair across the room, slowly blinking, as if trying to stay awake. On the floor in front of the couch were Fili and Kili, who were giggling, very carefully attempting to draw something on Thorin’s forehead with a permanent marker. Upon seeing Bilbo, they both froze, and when he did not scold them immediately, Fili put one finger to his lips. Bilbo smiled, nodded, and walked past them, allowing them their fun for now.

He stepped out the back, delighting in the sunshine, having decided some fresh air was a good option. Across the yard, he heard a delightful song being sung, though he could not find the source of the sound. He trailed out onto the grass, finding himself peering through the gaps in the fence.

He leant up on his tippy-toes to try and get a look at the person singing, and was greeted by a pair of bright eyes, staring at him with a small measure of irritation and interest.

“Hello.”

Bilbo jumped. “Oh, hello,” he smiled weakly.

Thranduil raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you?”

“No, no, I’m sorry- only, I heard your singing.”

“And?” The man wondered.

“I just thought it was lovely, is all.”

Thranduil's lip twitched slightly in a half-smile. “That is kind of you to say.”

“I’m Bilbo,” he offered now, still on the tips of his toes. Thrandy had no trouble seeing over the fence at his height, but Bilbo was rather short, and was straining.

“Thranduil,” Randy Thrandy inclined his head slightly in a gesture of polite greeting. “I would offer you my hand, but you seem too short to reach over and grasp it.” The words, though true, made him blush

“I’m afraid I can’t help with that,” Bilbo found himself muttering, looking up at the man from under his lashes.

Thranduil laughed, a light, startling sound that enraptured Bilbo. “I did not expect you to, Bilbo.”

“Oh, of course,” he suddenly felt very foolish. “I heard you are Elrond’s cousin?”

“Yes, I have work in this area, and he allows me to stay with him while I’m away from my family.”

“Family?”

“My son, Legolas. It has been just he and I for some time, his mother died a long while ago.”

“I’m very sorry to hear that,”

“There's no need for that," Thranduil waved his words off, "we are perfectly happy.”

“Is he very old?” Bilbo found himself edging closer to the fence, his legs beginning to ache from the pressure he was putting on them.

“He is just about to start university.”

Bilbo had opened his mouth to reply, but another voice spoke out before he could speak.

“Bilbo,” he turned to find Thorin stalking towards him. He repressed his laugh, catching sight of the scribbles over his face. “Thranduil,” Thorin greeted him curtly, a scowl on his face.

“Thorin,” Thrandy frowned a little, looking very curiously at his forehead, where in very badly scrawled letters ‘twat’ was written. “It seems your nephews haven’t stopped their usual tricks,” he turned back to Bilbo. “Nice talking, maybe I’ll see you around.” And with that he spun on his heel and went back inside.

“Yes, maybe,” Bilbo replied to his retreating figure.

“You should stay away from him,” Thorin spoke now, and Bilbo turned to find him still scowling at the space Thranduil had occupied not seconds ago.

“Well, it’s not like I came out here seeking his company,” Bilbo retorted, a frown forming on his face. “I heard singing and I went to see who it was- I can't help it if a person speaks to me.”

“Of course not, I'm simply stating a fact. Thranduil is not a kind person and likes to cause trouble wherever he can.”

“So I hear,” he had seemed rather alright to Bilbo, though.

“But I have no idea what on Earth did he mean by my nephews still playing their games?”

Bilbo’s lips twitched. “Perhaps you should look in the mirror, Thorin,” Bilbo reached up to rub at the letters that had been written on his forehead. “It seems your nephews felt like being a little creative while you were sleeping.”

Thorin’s scowl only deepened with his words, though he relaxed infinitely when Bilbo’s fingers trailed gently over his skin. “What do you mean?” he pressed his hand to his forehead, fingers brushing roughly against Bilbo's.

Bilbo tried to ignore the jolt of heated electricity that was sent through his body at the touch. “Come on," he said instead, "you’d better get into the bathroom and try and wash it off. I think the longer you leave it the harder it is to get rid of,” he led him back inside and stayed in the living room while Thorin continued on.

When he exited the room and turned left in the direction of the stairs, Bilbo heard giggles erupt.

“What is this?” Fili and Kili snuck out from their hiding place behind the couch and pointed to Dwalin, who had a incalculable amount of drawings all over his face, neck and arms. “Jesus," he breathed, feeling a slight awe at the boys stealth. Not that he'd admit it to the two of them. "You'd better find a good hiding spot when he wakes up-”

“ _Fili_! _Kili_!” the boys froze, and Bilbo looked from the doorway then back to them. “Where the _hell_ are you?!”

Bilbo winced. “Maybe you should find that hiding place now, boys,” he suggested quickly.

 

 


	7. Two Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dis decides to try and push things along a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too sure where I'm going to go with this, so have a (sort of) filler chapter,

“You should ask him out,” Bilbo choked on his tea, spluttering and coughing.

He looked at Dis, wide eyed. “ _What_?” They were sitting in the kitchen, biscuits and tea laid before them for elevensies, and the direction the conversation was taking was the last thing Bilbo had expected.

“Oh, come on,” she gave a roll of her eyes. “You two stare at each other like lost puppies when you think the other isn’t looking. And you know, I actually did tell Dwalin when I first met you that you and Thorin would totally hit it off."

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Bilbo tried to manage up as much dignity as he could muster.

“Of course you don’t,” Dis was wearing that smile, that smug, I-know-you’re-lying-and-I’m-right smile. “And, of course, the whole family hasn’t noticed it, and isn't taking about it. No, not at all.”

“The whole family is _talking_ about it?” Bilbo set his cup down with a clatter.

“Jesus, Bilbo, it’s so obvious even my boys see what’s going on. Fili asked me last night if you were going to be his proper Uncle soon."

"Oh, God," Bilbo covered his rapidly heating face with his hands.

"Don't be embarrassed!" Dis insisted, trying to comfort him. "This is good! Besides, you're pretty much family anyway, so it's all but sorted itself out for you. It’s not often Thorin actually _likes_ a person, this is big news to us.”

“Then I would say that you’re all busybodies and that whatever I feel or _don’t_ feel for Thorin is my business and mine alone. Besides, even if I did fancy him (which I _don’t_ ) there’s no point to it. He lives halfway across the country, he’ll leave in a few days, and I’ll probably never see him again, and even if I do, it’ll only be for Kili’s birthday or Christmas.” Bilbo paused, “There’s no point to it,” he repeated.

Dis just snorted. “Fine, just continue to stare at him and pine away like Narcissus, then,” he pouted at her words. "But," she added now, "I'll just drop it in that we may or may not be taking bets on how and when it does happen, because it _will happen_. It's only a matter of time."

Bilbo didn't reply. He’d been right when he said there was no point to it. Thorin wouldn’t stay, not for him. Even if he did like him. He had a job and a life a long while away and couldn’t just uproot that for a boring, run-of-the-mill babysitter like Bilbo. He was nothing special.

They were cut from different kinds of cloth. Thorin was Thorin and Bilbo was, well, he was _Bilbo_. An exciting night to _him_ was sitting down and watching documentary’s on different kinds of fungi.

He wasn’t interesting, he never had been, and he was never keen on too much excitement, and Thorin held the prospect of a _lot_ of excitement.

“Why were Bifur and Gloin laughing so hard when I came in this morning?” Bilbo asked to change the subject.

“Oh, Bifur was telling Gloin about something that happened this morning," he raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue. "Fili and Kili were out in the backyard," she explained, "playing with Bifur and Randy Thrandy made some comment over the fence about them playing with the practice sword you got them. Even though it’s perfectly fine- obviously, they were being watched, and Fili's responsible with it, and even if he did hit his brother, it wouldn't hurt hi: it's only a practice sword."

"Of course."

"So Fili," Dis continued, "deciding that he'd be funny, asked Thrandy why he didn’t have a beard, because the mark of a fully grown man is a beard,” she rolled her eyes, and Bilbo resisted the urge to run his hand over his smooth jaw, “and going along with his brother, Kili said that maybe he couldn’t grow one because he wasn't a real man.”

“And Thrandy didn’t like that, I suppose?” he wondered now.

“He hissed something about not all men wanting to have facial hair, but the boys just teased him, called him Thrandy the Beardless and then asked if he waxes his back.”

Bilbo choked on his laugh. “Where on earth did they hear something like that?”

“One of their uncles, I suppose; where else?” she gave a shrug.

“They’re always getting into trouble.” Bilbo murmured into the cup, taking a sip. “I’m not sure if that’s completely normal.”

“They’re little boys; of course they’re going to cause mischief. All little boys like chaos.”

“I never did," Bilbo announced. And it was true. He'd always been a very responsible kind of kid.

“No, but you’re a bit of a freak, Bilbo. Don’t worry,” she put her hands up when shock and offence swept over his face, “we’re all freaks here. I mean it as an affectionate term.”

“I don’t think it can be used as an affectionate term, Dis.”

“How about eccentric, then?”

“That’s a little better," he conceded.

Dis’ lips pulled into a thin line, failing to hide her smile. “You know,” she said after a slight pause, “Thorin is going to take the boys to the park later. Why don’t you go with him?”

Bilbo huffed. “Look, I get that you’re playing matchmaker and what have you, and I’d love to spend some time with the boys, but-”

“So you’ll go? Great!”

“What?”

But instead of answering, Dis just shot to her feet and moved to the door, leaning out to yell down the hall. “Thorin,” she called, “Bilbo’s going to go with you to the park to help you look after the boys.”

“He doesn’t need any help,” Bilbo insisted, desperately waving his arms about.

“Two hands are better than one, I always say.”

“Thorin already has two hands.” Bilbo muttered.

Dis just winked.

 

 


	8. "About that kiss..."

“Uh… should Kili be eating dirt?”

“What?” Thorin’s head whipped around to find Kili who was, indeed, eating dirt. “Kili!” he called, storming over to where the boys were playing. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Fili said he’d give me his pocket money if I did it!”

Bilbo pressed a hand to his face while Thorin scolded Fili for goading his brother on and then scolded Kili for falling for it.

“They certainly are a pair, aren’t they?” Bilbo mused as Thorin came back to the bench at the edge of the park.

“A pair of idiots, yes.” But the words were spoken with fondness, so they held no bite.

“You don’t have any children of your own?” Bilbo was almost certain he didn’t, but felt like asking anyway.

“No, I haven’t really bothered to settle down," Thorin just shrugged. "Work takes up a lot of my time. Besides,” he added now, relaxing back into the bench, “I haven’t really found anyone I wanted to spend my life with in that way.”

“It is hard,” Bilbo agreed. “I always wondered how my friends fell in love so easily when they were younger. I mean, really, all it took was a make-out session in the back of a car and they were head over heels for each other. It always seemed so…”

“Ridiculous,” Thorin finished.

“Yes! They just rushed into it. I mean, teenagers don’t know anything about love. Not really. You always think you do, but the older you get the more you realize that you really know nothing at all.” Thorin hummed his agreement. “And I’m a very strong believer in not rushing things. When something is meant to happen, it’ll happen.”

Thorin snorted derisively. “You really believe that?”

Bilbo felt his cheeks heat up. “Yes, I do," he declared. "And I’ll thank you not to mock me.”

“Sorry,” Thorin put his hand up, “I meant no insult.”

“I’m afraid I have to tell you that when you snort at someone’s beliefs, it is usually considered an insult.” Bilbo informed him.

“Then I apologise. I just find it a little… unrealistic.”

“Why?” Bilbo asked.

“Because people control their own destiny, not some weird sort of higher power. I decide if something happens, not fate.”

Bilbo rolled his eyes. “So you’ve never had something happened that you didn’t want, and then find out that it was actually a blessing in disguise.”

“Well, yes, but that doesn’t mean-”

“But it doesn’t prove you right, either: which is my point. I can’t prove you wrong and you can’t prove me wrong, so let’s just accept each others opinions: even if we both think the other is wrong.” Thorin’s mouth lifted up into a lopsided smile.

“Fine,” he replied. “I can do that.”

Bilbo relaxed a little, smiling. slightly. “Good, then."

A voice suddenly spoke out that belonged to neither of them. “Are you going to kiss him, Uncle Thorin?” They both jumped, and turned to find Fili and Kili standing in front of them, looking curious.

“What?" Thorin demanded. "Why would you think that, Fili?”

“Because you were real close,” he hadn’t noticed that, but they _had_ shifted towards teach other subconsciously while they’d been talking. Bilbo cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably on the seat.

“Well _were_ you?” asked Kili, impatient and wanting an answer.

“No, Kili, we were not.” Bilbo answered gently. “We were just talking, right Thorin?”

Thorin paused before answering. “Of course. Just talking.”

“So you’re not dating?” Kili gave a tilt of his head, inspecting the both of them as he spoke.

“Who told you we were dating?” Bilbo wanted to know.

“I heard Ma saying something about it,” Thorin cursed quietly before Kili continued. “And we thought cause Uncle Thorin was gonna leave after Fili's birthday, that he was staying for you-”

“You were supposed to leave the day after Fili’s birthday?”

“I felt like staying longer so I called work and told them I was taking the week off," Thorin explained. "I’ve got enough days saved up, and they can deal without me for a little while.”

“Sort of like a holiday,” Bilbo suggested now.

Thorin gave a small shrug. “Yeah,”

“I could use a holiday," Bilbo maundered, giving a long sigh. "Not that I have to do much,” he continued, “I mean, I study, and babysit and that’s it, but-”

“No, I get it. I’d want a holiday too if my job was to look after these ones,” Thorin reached over and mussed Fili’s hair, who whined and pulled away. “What do you study?”

“Modern History,” the boys, having become bored with the adult conversation, ran off again to play.

“Sounds…” he was silent for a moment, trying to think of a fitting word, “interesting,”

“No, it doesn’t. You think it sounds dreadfully stuffy and boring,” Thorin grinned as Bilbo spoke, “but I enjoy it.”

Thorin glanced back over at the boys before moving in closer towards Bilbo again. “About what the boys said before…” he murmured now.

Bilbo’s pulse spiked. “Yes?” he asked.

“About that kiss…” before Bilbo could murmur a reply, Thorin leaned in further, lips softly brushing against his own. He pulled back slightly, as if to gauge Bilbo’s reaction, and having found no resistance, moved closer once more.

His kiss was firmer now, more sure, and Bilbo found himself tilting his head to the side to deepen it. His hand strayed upwards, catching hold of Thorin’s shoulder. It was a lovely kiss, soft and warm, and one that sent the butterflies in his stomach on a rampage.

The nice moment, however, was abruptly cut to an end when Fili’s voice rang out through the nearly-empty park, very loudly daring Kili to eat a snail. And by Kili’s determined expression, he was planning on accepting that dare.

“Oh, no.”

“Maybe we should go back now…” Thorin mused.

Unfortunately, he was right.

 

 


	9. Parting Ways and Ignorant Fools

The house began to empty at an alarming rate as everyone began to leave for their own homes. Bombur had crushed him in a hug, telling him that if he was ever in Manchester, he should come into Bombur’s restaurant and try the menu. Bofur hadn’t hugged him as crushingly as Bombur, but just as warmly. They’d exchanged numbers and promised to keep in contact. Bifur had tried to kiss him in a friendly goodbye, but had been pulled away from Bilbo by his brothers (just in time). Nori and Dori had left pretty soon after, but not without Nori taking his watch again and handing it back the second before he exited the house. Ori gave him a pair of gloves he'd knitted, and Bilbo promised to cherish them and wear them any time he got the chance. Dwalin had smiled proudly at that.

Gloin and Oin were next to leave, shaking his hands and giving him warm smiles.

Balin was one of the last to leave, taking at least seven selfies of himself and Fili and Kili before he left.

Thorin left not too soon after Balin had, with promises to return when he could, but Bilbo had that sinking feeling in his stomach that occurred when he knew something wasn’t going to happen. Thorin would be gone for a very long time, and if Bilbo was even still working for Dis when he came back, Thorin would have long forgotten about him then, and probably even moved on.

Bilbo wasn’t anything special.

Fili and Kili picked up on his down mood pretty quickly.

“Did you want a hug, Uncle Bilbo? They always cheers me up.” Bilbo had laughed and ruffled Kili’s hair. It had only been three days, but to him it had felt like weeks, months. It had felt like forever, and he’d been feeling so glum.

He was also felt so _stupid_.

Thorin had only been here for a week, and they'd only spent three or so days... _together_ , with nothing more than a few kisses shared, and here he was sitting around moping like they’d known each other years and his heart had been ripped out of his chest, leaving him severely wounded and bleeding.

This wasn’t Romeo and Juliet (not that Bilbo had ever liked that story- it was not an epic love story, it was a cautionary tale) and he wasn’t madly in love with Thorin. He couldn’t be.

Love happened over time when people had known each other for a long while, not suddenly within moments of meeting. He remembered his reaction when he’d seen Thorin for the first time and felt like some sort of love struck fool.

Thorin _had_ given him his number, but Bilbo didn’t want to bother him with a call, and Thorin didn’t bother calling him, and with each passing day Bilbo was left wondering why they’d even exchanged details in the first place if they weren’t going to talk.

But he still couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone and dial the number.

“It’s alright,” he told Kili now, “I’ll be fine,” and he would be fine. Of course he would. How else would he be able to get on with things if he wasn’t fine? He had to be fine. It was the only way he’d be able to move on.

So he pottered along as usual, looking after the boys, studying, finishing his assignments, drinking tea with Dis every few nights.

He gained a little comfort from the routine, from the boy’s games and tricks. And he even found he could find some sort of comfort from being stuck in the ventilation shaft Kili had also been ‘stuck’ in (in reality, he’d stuck his head up the shaft in another room and yelled down it to make it sound like he was stuck up there). Very creative, especially since they'd known Bilbo would be suspicious. They’d got into a lot of trouble for that one, and Bilbo had informed them he wasn’t going to come in for an entire two weeks if they were going to act like that.

They’d clung to him when he finally returned to work.

Then late one night, when Bilbo had to look after them while Dis was working overtime, he was tucking them into bed, and Fili spoke.

“Uncle Thorin made you sad,” he’d huffed, crossing his arms over his chest, his brow furrowing in anger.

“Oh, no, Fili, he didn’t.”

“He did! I’m going to make him pay for it.”

“Pay for it!” Kili repeated, thrashing in his blankets. “We’ll fix it, Uncle Bilbo, we will!” Bilbo looked from the younger brother to the older.

“Fili, have you been putting those mafia movies on again?”

“...no.” Fili avoided his gaze.

“You have, haven’t you?”

“Maybe," he relented finally, "but Ma let me, I swear!”

“Sure she did. Now, there’s no need to punish your Uncle. He did nothing wrong.”

“Ma thinks he did something wrong.”

“Does she?”

Fili nodded, hair falling over his eyes. He batted it away as he replied. “I heard her talking to Dwalin over the phone. She said he was a gutless, spineless, son of a-”

“Oh dear!” Bilbo clamped a hand over Fili’s mouth. “Let’s not repeat what your Ma said, okay?” He pulled the covers around him now and moved over to Kili. “Let’s just forget this whole thing,” he settled Kili onto his pillow.

“But we want you to be happy again,” guilt washed through Bilbo at Fili’s words.

“Yes!” agreed Kili in earnest.

“Now, don’t worry,” he assured the boys. “It’s not anything; it’s just Bilbo being silly.”

“Silly?”

Bilbo sighed, trying to think of a way to explain this to them. “You know when you don’t get something you really, really want, but knew you couldn’t have anyway, and you get upset even though you really shouldn’t?” Fili nodded.

“And the Ma yells at you,” he finished.

"Yes, it’s like that.”

“So you need to be yelled at, Uncle Bilbo?” Kili yawned through the words.

Bilbo smiled. “That’s right. Now you two get to sleep and I’ll see you the day after tomorrow, alright?”

“M’kay.”

When he got home later that night he collapsed into his bed, turning his head to look at the piece of paper with Thorin’s number scribbled on it. He reached out, running his fingers over the messily inked numbers.

“Need to be yelled at, indeed,” he muttered to himself before going about getting ready for bed.

At the same time over at the Durin house, Dis was on the phone, talking to her brother.

“You _could_ ask him how he is yourself, you know.” Dis said. “Normal people usually do that- call each other. Why else would you exchange numbers if you aren’t going to call each other?”

Dis rolled her eyes at her brother’s excuses. “So what if he hasn’t called _you_? _You_ call _him_.” She heaved a sigh. “Of course he wants to talk to you, what a stupid thing to say. Don’t you start making excuses; why else would he give you his number if he didn’t want you to call him? He let you snog him and everything and you’re trying to tell me he doesn’t _like_ you? Get off your high horse and _call him_.”

She disconnected the phone and threw it down on the sofa, not wanting to hear anymore.

“They’re both useless. Useless and blind,” she collapsed back down next to the phone and tapped her fingers against the arm of the sofa. “We’re going to have to do something about this,”

 

 


	10. A Call

Bilbo had called Thorin three times, and each time he’d hung up. The first time he’d hung up on the first ring the second time he’d lasted until the fourth, the third time he actually heard Thorin answer, but he’d quickly fumbled with the keys and hit the disconnect button soon after.

This was not going well.

He put the phone down gently, though he really wanted to throw it across the room, and grabbed his jacket, heading for the front door. He was not going to bother with it today. He was going to have a relaxing day... well, as relaxing as it could be considering he was taking care of Fili and Kili.

At least he didn’t get trapped in a small space today. He sat the boys in the living room, put aprons that were far too big on them, spread newspaper out all over the floor and let the boys have at the paint.

Kili was the first to dive in: hands dipping as far in the paint as he could get, smearing it over his arms, his apron, and thankfully a bit got on the paper he’d been given.

Fili was a lot better, but still messy; paint smeared in his hair and along his cheek.

They’d been at it for a good hour when the phone trilled loudly, and Bilbo struggled to his feet, keeping one eye on the boys as he reached the phone. He didn’t want any more mishaps with the paint than he could handle. One of the first times he’d let the boys paint he’d only gone to the bathroom and had come out to find they’d ‘decorated’ the hallways walls.

Bilbo had insisted to pay for the repainting, but Dis had insisted it was nothing, and informed him that this wasn’t the worst thing the boys had ever done to the house. She’d gone on to tell him that with their last babysitter they’d managed to set fire to the kitchen when they’d put grapes in the toaster burning the roof and destroying two walls. The whole kitchen had to be redone.

Bilbo picked up the phone now. “Hello?”

“Bilbo?”

Bilbo’s heart stuttered in his chest. “Thorin?” the boys looked up at the sound of their uncle's name.

“Uncle Thorin’s on the phone?” Fili got to his feet, running towards the phone, paint-covered hands outstretched.

“No, no, don’t you dare touch the wall or the phone with those dirty hands. You go back and keep painting or you wash our hands and I’ll see if your uncle can talk to you, okay?” Fili pouted. “Are you still there, Thorin?”

“Bilbo,” the word was breathed, soft and warm with what sounded like a smile, and Bilbo could swear he felt the breath run through the phone and down his body. His nerve endings were suddenly on high alert, making him tense and uncomfortably tingly inside. “Is everything okay?”

“Okay? Yes, of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be? Why are you calling?”

“I was looking for Dis.”

“Oh, y-you need Dis, right. Right.” _Of course_ , why else would he be calling? If Thorin had wanted to talk to _him_ he'd have called _his_ number. “She’s at work. You have her mobile, don’t you-?”

“I tried it- she didn’t answer, which I thought was odd. She’d called me not a minute before and left a message. Said it was urgent I called back, that something was wrong.”

“Oh, oh my, well, she hasn’t called m-” Bilbo had left his phone at home. “Oh, dear.”

“What is it?”

“Well, if she’d called me I wouldn’t know because I left my phone at home today,” he heard Thorin curse.

“Alright, hold on," Thorin said now. "I’m going to call her mobile on my office phone.”

“Right,” Bilbo heard Thorin’s mobile being set down, and the clicking of phone keys.

“Still no answer,” Thorin said, returning to his mobile now.

“Something really must be wrong, then.” Bilbo felt his gut tightened.

“I don’t know,” Thorin didn’t seem to be as worried as Bilbo.

“What do you mean?” he wondered.

“The first time I called it rung through completely before going to message bank but this time it only rung three times before I got diverted.”

“So?”

“I think she declined the call.”

“Why would she divert the call?”

“Just to annoy me,” he heard Thorin sigh loudly. “It’s alright, she’ll call me back. I know she will.”

“And if she doesn’t?” he asked.

“If she doesn’t by midday I’ll call you.”

“Okay,” Bilbo relaxed a little. “Thanks,” there was an awkward silence then, and Bilbo thought he should say goodbye and hang up, but he didn’t want to.

“I suppose I-”

“How have you been?” he asked suddenly, before he realized Thorin had been talking. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to cut you off-”

“No, no, it’s alright. I’ve been fine. Working a lot,” Bilbo heard the groan of a chair and he could imagine Thorin relaxing back into it, probably looking tired, running a hand over his face. He smiled at the image in his head. “How about you?”

“Oh, you know: the usual. Looking after the monsters. Trying to catch up on sleep in between work and studying.”

“I know the feeling,” Thorin mumbled. “I don’t think I’ve gotten a proper night’s sleep in a year.”

Bilbo laughed. “I can believe that,” they were quiet again for a moment.

“Listen,” Thorin said now, “I know I said I’d call you, but I’ve just been so run down with work that I’ve barely had a chance to breathe, let alone-”

“Oh, it’s alright- I get it. Really, I do. You have far more important things to be doing than wasting your time calling-”

“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that-”

“It’s alright, Thorin, I’m not mad, really. You’re busy and tired. Its fine,” he heaved a sigh.

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you- I do, really. I,” he cleared his throat, seemingly uncomfortable; “I really like you.” 

Bilbo felt his mouth stretch into a wide, painful smile at the admission. “Well, I really like you too,” he heard kissing noises and turned to find Fili and Kili pouting their lips making smooching sounds. He rolled his eyes, but felt himself blush. “Listen, these two are getting a bit cheeky, so I’ve got to get back to them. I’ll talk to you some other time, though, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Thorin sounded reluctant to hang up. “If I don’t collapse when I get home I’ll call you tonight.”

“That sounds nice,” Bilbo replied.

The boys started singing as soon as the phone was set back down on the receiver.

“Uncle Bilbo and Uncle Thorin, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

Although Fili got the spelling right, Kili hadn’t, spelling something like _K-I-T-K-M-U-T_.

“Behave now, you too, or I’ll put the paints away.”

 They didn't behave, and continued their barrage of songs for the rest of the day.

Bilbo found that he didn't mind too much.

 

 


	11. Phone Sex

Thorin heard the breathy moan vibrate through the phone, all but running down his body and wrapping around his cock. He squeezed his eyes shut, biting the inside of his cheek.

_Mahal._

In the whole four months they’d been calling each other, they’d only ever done this once before, and had avoided calling each other for the next two week afterwards, both of them too embarrassed to pick up the phone to talk to the other.

His hand slid under his trousers now, unable to stop himself any longer, and he wrapped his fingers around himself and slowly began to move, Bilbo’s moans egging him on.

 _Screw it._ He’d live with the embarrassment afterwards.

He should feel stupid and childish, like some teenager whose hormones were out of whack, but instead he felt incredibly turned on.

He palmed himself, pictures of Bilbo on his own bed, his small fingers wrapped around himself, his face flushed from desire, his eyes twinkling. He could almost taste saltiness of Bilbo’s skin, could almost feel his chest rising and falling, and it wasn’t a hard leap to imagining himself with him, tongue laving at his neck, hands running over his soft, smooth back.

Thorin groaned openly now: a loud, unrestrained noise that shot through his otherwise silent bedroom.

“Thorin,” Bilbo’s breathing spiked, sending jolts of pleasure through his body. “I-Oh!” he heard the phone slip form Bilbo’s ear, but he could still hear the moans, the pants, getting increasingly louder.

“Bilbo,” he groaned into the phone, moving faster now, feeling his orgasm beginning to build up.

Bilbo came, his scream muffled by something- maybe a pillow or a blanket and Thorin was  close, _so close_ , and-

Suddenly, his phone beeped and he jumped, cursing. “Shit, Bilbo, _Bilbo_?” he heard a mumbling and then heard him fumble with the phone.

“What is it?” he sounded breathless and tired.

“I’ve got another call.”

“ _What_?” Bilbo let out another gasping breath, and then groaned.

“I’ll call you back.”

“Alright,” with a huff, he pulled his hand out of his pants and disconnected his conversation with Bilbo. “Whoever this is, I’m really very busy and this is _really_ not a good time,” he said into the phone.

“That is no way to talk to your father,” Thorin straightened immediately, fumbling out of his sheets.

“Dad!” Not good.

He could almost hear his father rolling his eyes. “Yes, it’s me.”

“What... what are you calling for? At this time, too?” He glanced at the clock on his bedside table.

“I’m calling because you didn’t tell me you were shagging your sister’s babysitter.”

Thorin pressed a hand into his face. “Christ, dad,”

"Do I have to find everything out from your sister and brother, really?" Thorin wanted to hang up, but knew his father would tell Dis and Frerin about it and he'd never hear the fucking end of it. “You know I’m fine with the whole dude thing," Thrain continued now, "I told you as such when you came out to me, I have to say I was expecting it. But I would like to at least hear it from you when you get a boyfriend.”

“I-” Thorin heaved a sigh, running his hand down his face. “I’m sorry dad,” he said now, “it didn’t happen that long ago. It slipped my mind.”

“' _Slipped your mind’_? How does something like that slip your mind?”

“I’ve been busy working and-”

“You’d work on Christmas Day if we let you. Tell me, have you actually shagged him yet or are you being your usual prudish self-?”

“You know," Thorin managed now, "most fathers don’t ask about their children’s sex lives.”

“Most children don’t have a father who studied sexual health. I just want to make sure you’re practicing regular healthy sex- which you haven’t been having up until now. You’re always so tightly wound, and it's so rare of you to even like someone, let alone date them, and we all know you're so annoying because you refuse to date or even fu-”

“I’m tightly wound because I’m snowed under with work,” Thorin said now, cutting his father off. 

This was not the time for one of Thrain’s speeches about his lack of a sex life. Especially not after he had to cut short what little of a sex life he _had_ just to answer this stupid call.

Thrain was always going on about the importance of regular, healthy sex, and the benefits it brings not only to a relationship but to a person as a whole.

It had been thoroughly embarrassing for Thorin, Dis and Frerin growing up, and they’d learned to get used to it. But that didn’t mean he had to put up with it right now.

He was thirty-eight for Christ sake.

“ _Work_?” his father repeated with a scoff. “You should be spending time with your family or your boyfriend. When was the last time you spoke to either one?” Thorin didn’t get a chance to reply. “Why don’t you take a holiday?” Thrain continued now. “A break would be good for you.”

“I had a holiday like, four months ago.”

“That wasn’t a holiday: that was a few days off.”

“I’m Co-Director; I can’t just leave randomly for a month.”

“Then tell them you want some time off on the holidays. Tell them now, so in December you can pack your shit up and maybe actually spend one day where you weren’t attached to your phone.”

“I am _not_ always attached to my phone.”

“You are always attached to it- it’s like another appendage for you.”

“It is not,” Thorin retorted, a little childishly.

“You were on it when I called you now and it’s nearly midnight.” Thorin felt his face heat, something that didn’t usually happen to him. “Who the hell does work at midnight?”

“I wasn’t doing work actually." Thorin blurted the words out, irritated with the conversation. "I was on the phone to my boyfriend who you say I don’t talk to enough.”

“Then why are you on the phone to me?!”

“Oh, my God, I can’t win with you people. I need to go to bed now, dad.”

“Alright, alright, I can take a hint. I’ll let you get back on the phone with your babysitter.”

“He’s not _my_ babysitter, I don’t pay him anything.”

“I certainly hope not.” Thrain replied now, and he could hear the grin in his words. Thorin wanted the floor to open up under him and swallow him whole. “I’ll call you in a couple of days, maybe. And remember: _take a break_.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He hung up, throwing the phone down on the bed beside him. It was too late to call Bilbo back. He was probably asleep by now, and Thorin didn’t want to wake him. He sighed again, rubbing the back of his neck. His muscled were tight and knotted and frustration was chorusing through his body.

Maybe Thrain was right. A holiday seemed like a good idea, and if he told the Dain about it now he’d be able to leave without worry in December.

He’d deal with it in the morning, after a few hours sleep. He shifted uncomfortably on his bed now.

But before that, he needed a long, cold shower.

 

 


	12. Five Pieces of Unwanted Advice for Thorin Durin and a Sixth He Paid Heed to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably return to Bilbo's POV in the next chapter. So enjoy Thorin while you have him!

With Easter coming up, Thorin had a chance to see Bilbo over the long weekend. When he announced he’d be driving down (only to Dis, mind you) word had spread to the entire family within three hours.

Thorin had ignored the barrage of text messages and voice mail’s left on his phone and continued on with his work, until lunchtime when he made the mistake of answering the phone to his brother Frerin.

“You should try car sex,” he’d suggested halfway through the conversation, making Thorin choke on his burger, “car sex is the _best_ kind of sex.”

“Frerin," Thorin closed his eyes and tried very, _very_ hard to not yell or threaten his brother, "I really don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m just offering you some advice, Thorin.”

“Well it is not welcome advice, so stop it.” He could almost hear Frerin rolling his eyes.

“You’d better do _something_ while you’re there, Thorin, there’s no point making the babysitter suffer just because you’re emotionally and sexually stunted-”

Thorin's eyes snapped open. “Have you been talking to dad?”

“Maybe a little,” Frerin tried to sound as innocent as possible.

“Christ, is this all you people talk about now? Am I really the only thing you could gossip about? Do you have so little that occurs in your lives that this is the talking point of your day?”

“Hey, we like Bilbo,” Frerin informed him.

“And that makes gossiping about his sex life okay?” Thorin wondered now.

“He’s part of the family now, it’s a given.”

“Well, if we _do_ have sex, you certainly won’t hear about.”

“Oh, I think I will.” Came Frerin's smug remark.

Thorin muttered some curses.

 

* * *

 

The second piece of unwanted advice had come from Dwalin a few days later while they spoke over Skype. “Make him dinner.” Dwalin had told him, frowning over a stack of wool he was trying to unravel for Ori, who was seated beside him. “People love it when other people cook for them, right Ori?”

“Exactly,” Ori gave Dwalin a sweet smile, and lent in to kiss him.

Thorin loudly cleared his throat. “Other people present, guys.” Ori rolled his eyes and returned to his knitting.

 

* * *

 

Dis offered an array of unwanted suggestions: everything from dating tips to the occasional bout of sexual advice.

“Bilbo seems the shy kind, so you’d better not be too bloody eager with him. You may be my brother but if you hurt him, I’ll-”

“Skin me alive and do terrible things to my privates, I get it. I don’t need any advice; I don’t see why you lot keep giving it to me.”

“Because we like Bilbo and we want this to go well because if you fuck it up then you’ll be miserable again and Bilbo will probably leave us because he’s mortified.”

“And why am I the one who’ll fuck it up?” Thorin asked now, slightly offended.

“Because you once left a guy for suggesting you help him get a dog. You have commitment issues," she informed him before adding, "among other things,” in a mutter.

“Do you all have to act like I’m so unworthy, you think I don’t feel that enough myself.”

Dis clicked her tongue, pity lacing her voice. “Poor Thorin,” her tone was slightly mocking, but he knew she got what he meant. She’d tell the others to lay off with the whole guilt-trip thing. “Should I make up a room here or are you planning on using Bilbo’s bed the whole time? I’d tell the boys you’re coming, only I don’t want to get their hopes up if you’re going to spend the whole time screwing their babysitter-”

“Dis,” Thorin growled.

“You’re right,” she said now. “I’d better make it up just in case you don’t score.”

He’d hit his head against the table, wishing he could concuss himself.

 

* * *

 

The next piece of advice had been awkward and complete unnecessary.

“What the hell is this, dad?” he’d asked when his father had finally picked up the phone. He’d spent the past twenty minutes trying to get through to him.

“Oh, you got my package then?” Thrain asked, as if nothing was wrong.

“Yes, and I’m thirty-eight, I’m a fully grown adult.”

“So?”

“ _So_ , I do _not_ need a sex book.”

“Just because you’re an adult doesn’t mean you don’t need a sex book. Besides, it’s always best to brush up, you know, keep the knowledge fresh.”

“I can’t deal with you people anymore- you’re driving me crazy.” He’d hung up and ignored the book for the rest of the day, but he had to admit, when he read through it later that night it had been pretty interesting.

 

* * *

 

The fifth piece of advice had come in the form of Bofur knocking on his door one Saturday afternoon.

“What are you doing here?” Thorin hugged his second cousin once removed as he spoke.

“I’m in the city looking at shops," he announced with a grin. "The bank approved my loan.”

“That’s great. Come in, come in,” he pulled the door open wider. “Coffee? Tea?”

“I’d love a coffee, lack of sleep,” he rubbed his eyes. “I woke up early this morning to drive down here.”

“I know that feeling,” Thorin replied as he moved into the kitchen.

“You don’t mind me dropping by, do you?”

“No, not at all: make yourself at home.” Bofur took a seat at the small table that was crammed into the kitchen.

“I heard you’re going over to Brighton for the long Easter weekend,” he said now.

“Not you too.” Thorin groaned.

Bofur raised an eyebrow. “Hmm?”

Thorin looked at him suspiciously. “You’re not here to give me bad advice on how to pick up?”

Bofur laughed. “I wasn’t planning on it, no. I could think of some if you’d like.” He seemed to be picking his mind for some sort of advice he could offer. Thorin all but collapsed into the chair across the table from him, setting the coffee strainer and mugs down between them.

“They’re driving me crazy,” he looked at the cups now. “Oh, you take milk, don’t you?”

“Yeah, and sugar.”

“Sorry,” he stood back up again.

“They are family,” Bofur said as he grabbed the milk from the fridge and grabbed the sugar off from on top of the microwave. “They’re supposed to do that.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

Bofur grinned. “No, but _that_ doesn’t mean they’re going to stop.”

“I suppose not,” Thorin sat down again, sighing.

“You want some advice you don’t really want to hear?”

“No, but you’re going to tell me anyway so go ahead.”

“Just go easy with him. Whatever you’re doing now is working so don’t change it. Ignore the others.”

“So you’re advice,” Thorin said now, pouring the coffee into the mugs, “is not to listen to advice?”

Bofur had given a shrug, reaching for the milk. “Yeah.”

 

* * *

 

The last piece of advice he heard came when he called Dis’ house with the intent on telling Dis his estimated time of arrival. But instead of his sister, a small voice answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“ _Fili_?”

“Uncle Thorin?”

“Yes, hello Fili, how’d you reach the phone?” Fili wasn’t anywhere near tall enough to reach the wall phone.

“Me and Kili got a chair,” came the proud reply.

 _Jesus Christ_.

“Uncle Thorin!” he could hear Kili yelling the background. “Hi Uncle Thorin!”

“You’re both on the one chair?” That sounded like an accident waiting to happen. “Where’s your mother? Is Bilbo there?”

“Did you want to talk to Bilbo, Uncle? He’s not here- Ma can tell you his number if you want-”

“No, no. I was looking for Dis. She’s there, isn’t she?” If Bilbo wasn’t there she had to be.

“She’s upstairs. We’re supposed to be watching Ben10 on the TV.”

“Okay, well maybe you should go get her then.”

“Alright, hold on,” he listened as Fili passed the phone to his brother and told him to keep hold of it while he got Dis.

“Hi, Uncle Thorin.”

“Hello, Kili, how have you been?”

“Good. Bilbo helped me make a necklace for Ma, but you can’t tell her.”

Thorin chuckled. “I won’t, I promise.”

Kili was silent for a minute before speaking again. “Hey, Uncle Thorin?” he said eventually.

“Yes?” he asked.

“Is Bilbo going to be our new Uncle?”

“Uh...” Thorin wasn’t sure how to answer that. “What makes you think that, Kili?”

“Ma said something about it.” Of course she did.

“Well, how about we talk about it later, yeah?”

“Okay, Bilbo said that too when I asked him.” Thorin choked on the air. “You okay, Uncle Thorin?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m fine,”

Kili took a breath now, hesitating.

“What is it, Kili?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course, you can.”

“You should treat Uncle Bilbo good.”

Thorin felt himself smile. “Is that an order, Kili?”

“Yes, ‘cause me and Fili like Uncle Bilbo and if you make him sad we’ll do to you what we did to Thrandy last week.”

“And what did you do to Randy Thrandy last week?” This couldn't be going anywhere good.

“We covered his trousers in honey while he was in the pool and let the ants get all through it.”

Thorin managed to repress a snicker, making his tone serious. “And did Thrandy put those trousers on afterward?”

“He did,” Kili let out a titter. “It was real funny, Uncle Thorin. But me and Fili will be real serious when we do it to you,”

“I’m sure you will. Thank you Kili, I’ll make sure I heed to that advice.” Kili sounded pleased, although Thorin knew he didn’t know what the word ‘heed’ meant.

Well, the advice may be unwanted, but at least their hearts were in the right place.

Though Thorin was certain he’d have to be careful where he left his things when he came to visit.

 

 


	13. Hello, again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, let me just say a big ‘thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!’ too everyone who had left a comment or kudos, or even just for reading it. I really appreciate it.  
> Back to Bilbo’s POV now. Enjoy!

Bilbo was nervous. He kept telling himself he had no need to be, but the prospect of seeing Thorin face-to-face after so long unnerved him.

The minute he woke up he could feel his stomach knotting.

“Don’t be silly,” he muttered to himself, wiping sleep from his eyes. “It’s just like any other day.”  Only it wasn’t and no amount of pep talking he could give to himself was going to calm him down.

He felt himself flush thinking about all the phone calls, more particularly the ones they had spent making obscene noises to each other. He mentally cursed himself for thinking about that. Now he wasn’t going to be able to look Thorin in the eyes. Not unless he wanted to turn a bright cherry red and start babbling on like he always did when he was nervous or embarrassed.

He dressed slowly, trying not to rush himself, and ignored his shaking fingers when he buttoned up his shirt. It was quite sunny today, and Bilbo was glad, mainly because it had been raining almost non-stop this past week. A deluge fit for his anxious, flitting thoughts.

He tried not to think about it, and instead thought about what kind of chaos would erupt tomorrow when the boys got up and did their Easter egg hunt. Oh, the chocolate would get everywhere, and they’d probably throw the melted ones at each other, or try to feed it to the cat that lived down the road. Bilbo would be run off his feet just trying to keep up with them.

The distraction worked well until he got to the house and saw Thorin’s car out the front. He swallowed loudly.

Kili was the first to hear him come in through the front door. “Bilbo!” he ran down the hall to greet him. Bilbo could hear Fili rushing around the kitchen.

“Hello, Kili.”

“Hi, Bilbo,” Dis was little more than a flash past him, grabbing her coat, finishing her last slice of toast and downing what was left of her coffee in one go, “got to run,” she said through a mouth full of peanut butter and bread, “I’m late and I’ve got a busy day at work.” Then she was out the door, slamming it behind her.

“Well, she was in a rush, wasn’t she?”

“She was telling me and Fili to behave ourselves.”

“Ah, where’s your brother now?”

“In the kitchen with Uncle Thorin: we was having breakfast.”

“Right well, you’d better go finish it, then.” He led Kili back down the hall and into the kitchen, which looked a right awful mess.

“Well no wonder she was so eager to get out of here,” he said, looking about the room now, “it looks like you’ve had a food fight.” he gave Thorin a small smile, which became wider when it was returned. “Morning.”

“Morning,” Thorin looked as good as Bilbo remembered, if not better. His hair, still long and tangled, was pulled back into a ponytail at the back of his head. His eyes were still as bright and distracted as they always had been, his long fingers curling around his mug, which leant to other imaged being sparked in Bilbo's mind. He shook his head.

This was not the time for _that_.

He took a seat and grabbed the pot of coffee, pouring himself a cup. “Good drive?” he wasn’t sure what else to ask. He wanted to blurt out silly things like: ' _I missed you so much if was physically painful- which is childish and dreadfully cheesy but I don't care because I love you_ ', or: ' _let's just leave Fili and Kili to set fire to the kitchen and go upstairs already I'm desperate for you to wreck me_ '.

Thorin gave a shrug.

“As good as a drive can be, I suppose.”

“Uncle Thorin bought _heaps_ of chocolates, Bilbo!” Fili said now, before following with a small pout, “but we’re not allowed any until tomorrow.”

“That’s the rule, isn’t it?” Thorin asked. "You eat the chocolate _on_ Easter?"

“Well, yes...” Fili gave a slow nod as he spoke.

“Then that’s what we’re doing,”

“Finish your cereal, Fili,” Bilbo said, hoping to change the subject and distract the boy. Maybe he could distract himself, too (though he doubted that). “Then you and Kili can go out and play.” Fili eagerly scooped up another spoonful of the gloppy mixture and shovelled it into his mouth with all the enthusiasm of a coal shoveler on a steam train.

“You’re well?” Thorin asked as he took a sip of his drink.

“Yes. Yes. Very well. And you?”

“A little tired- I had to wake up early to make it here on time.”

“You do seem a little out-of-it,” Bilbo took in the dark lines around his eyes. “You should have a nap.”

“Only if you promise to keep guard- I don’t feel like being labelled with a permanent marker again.”

Bilbo chuckled. “Alright," he agreed, "deal.”

Fili set his spoon down with a loud clatter. “I’m done now, Uncle Bilbo, can we go play out back?”

“Fine, fine,” he stood and followed the boys out into the backyard. He’d clean the kitchen up once he them down with a movie after lunch.

They immediately shot off into their games, starting with pirates, swinging their arms and making ridiculous noises.

Thorin came out, his own drink in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.  He came to a stop beside Bilbo and offered him the paper. “Dis left this for you,”

“Oh,” he set his cup down on the ground and unfolded the note, reading Dis’ neat handwriting. “Fili,” he said now as he read, “you have to do your homework sometime today,” Fili gave a moan. “No, none of that. If you do it today you won’t have to worry about it for the rest of the holiday.”

“I don’t have to do homework,” Kili said with as grin.

“You will next year when you start, Kili.” Bilbo returned, and Kili’s face fell.

“Is it very hard?” he asked his brother now.

Fili gave a shrug, startlingly similar to his Uncle's. “It's okay, you get playtime and everything. But maths sucks.”

“How’s your studying?” Thorin wondered, and Bilbo moved his gaze from the two brothers to their Uncle.

“Exhausting. But, you know, alright, I suppose." As good as sitting around, sneezing into dusty books could be. "How’s work going?”

“Just as exhausting. Dain thinks I’m going mad.”

Bilbo felt himself frown. “Why?” he wondered.

“This is the first long weekend in a very long time that I haven’t spent in the office.” Thorin explained.

“Well, that’s just silly.” Bilbo said now, the scolding voice he usually used on the boys coming through. “You don’t take your breaks when you get them?”

“I don’t like relaxing when there’s work that still needs to be done.”

Bilbo rolled his eyes. “You certainly wouldn’t fit in at university, then- it’s all about not doing the work until the last second there.”

“I suppose you’re one of the procrastinators, then?”

“Oh yes, very much so. I’m procrastinator extraordinaire.” Thorin chuckled at his words. “Well, I always think there’s nothing better than putting off work to sit around and do nothing.”

“I think I’m starting to get that feeling,” Thorin replied, and Bilbo finally managed to look up and meet his eyes. His stomach flipped.

“It’s, uh, good to see you again,” he murmured, fiddling with the edge of his shirt. Thorin grinned and leaned in a little, movements cautious and overly obvious for Bilbo's benefit. “It’s been a while.”

“It has,” Thorin replied, lips softly brushing against his own. Something similar to an electrical shot pulsed through him, and Bilbo felt himself leaning up on the tips of his toes to apply more pressure. He wanted more than this, after all those nights lying in bed feeling unfulfilled and irritated, he needed more than just a peck on the lips.

Taking that as encouragement, Thorin’s hand curved around Bilbo’s neck and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss.

Bilbo jumped a little when he felt a warm tongue flick out over his bottom lip before sinking further into his mouth, tasting him. He heard a groan, loud and uninhibited, and after realizing it was himself, found that he was pulling away rather quickly in embarrassment. He was screaming at himself to just jump on the man, but there was a little niggling voice in the back of his head stating that this wasn't exactly the _best_ place to initiate 'I miss you' sex.

“Did I...?’” Thorin seemed confused, his brows knitting together in a furrow. Bilbo found himself repressing a very strong urge to stretch up and kiss the frown away.

“No, no. It was nice, great, lovely," he was babbling again, "you know... I just... I mean...” he coughed awkwardly, “the boys, and...”

“Ah,” Thorin glanced over at them now, still playing. “Fair enough,” his lips stretched into s grin that made Bilbo’s heart stutter pathetically. “Later,”

The word held an undertone of promised pleasure, and it echoed in Bilbo's head, sending a dangerous, eager feeling chorusing through his chest and stomach.

_Later._

 

 


	14. "Can I hold you?"

It started off innocently enough. Bilbo invited Thorin around to watch a movie and get away from Fili and Kili for a little while. They’d sat on his cushy, overstuffed sofa, enjoying the film and eating the pizza Bilbo had ordered (mainly because he was too lazy to cook anything), talking occasionally about some mundane subject.

But soon the film was forgotten and Bilbo was being pushed down on the sofa, Thorin on top of him, hands running over his body, tongue in his mouth.

Not that Bilbo minded, of course.

He eagerly kissed him back, hands tangling in his hair, accidentally pulling out the strip of leather that held it back.

He wrapped his legs around Thorin’s waist, locking his ankles together and arching upwards, feeling heavy arousal pressing into his thigh. He groaned.

This was happening.

This was _actually_ happening.

 _Right now_.

On his sofa.

There were suddenly too many clothes between them, Bilbo felt crowded. He ignored the part of his bran that was all but having an aneurism with delight, and instead put his concentration into pulling at Thorin’s shirt desperately.

Thorin hummed something about patience, but quickly broke away from Bilbo, sitting up and pulling his shirt off, throwing it onto the floor. Their lips reconnected and Thorin worked on Bilbo’s buttons eagerly, pushing the shirt off his shoulders. Something ripped, but Bilbo paid no heed, his hands trailing over Thorin's stomach and down to his trousers.

“Bedroom,” he murmured into Thorin’s mouth, unbuckling the belt. “ _Now_ ,”

Thorin chuckled, and almost fell off the sofa in his haste, grabbing Bilbo’s arm and yanking him to his feet.  They stumbled towards his bedroom, tripping over themselves and each other, leaving a trail of clothes in their wake.

Bilbo kissed at Thorin’s neck, tongue laving across his skin. He bit down hard on his shoulder, earning a loud groan in return, Thorin pushing him through the threshold of the door.

He tripped over something while being nudged backwards, falling gracelessly onto the bed. Thorin laughed and climbed over him, trapping him between his thick arms. He bent down and kissed him very softly.

“If you want me to stop,” Thorin said now, “just tell me. We don’t have to rush into anything-”

“You’re kidding, right?” Bilbo’s expression must have been one of just pure exasperation and impatience, because Thorin just laughed harder.

He touched BIlbo's cheek gently. “I’m just making sure that _you’re_ sure."

“Believe me, I’m sure.” He’d never been surer that he wanted something in his entire life. “Now hurry up.”

Thorin smirked and bent down, trailing kissed down Bilbo’s collarbone, then his sternum, across his chest, then further down. Down his stomach and abdomen, licking around his navel, eliciting the strangest noise Bilbo had never heard himself make before. Thorin hummed, seemingly proud, and continued his torturous exploration further down, lapping against his hip, the tops of his thighs.

Then, being the tease that he was, he moved straight down, peppering kisses down the rest of his legs, completely ignoring one particular very eager part of his anatomy.

Bilbo whined in anticipation when he nipped gently at his ankle.

“ _Thorin_ ,”

“Hmm?”

“ _Hurry_ _up_.”

Obeying Bilbo’s request, he slid back up his body, capturing his lips, his hands sliding around Bilbo’s thighs. “Do you have something to-”

“Beside table, first draw.”

With a chuckle Thorin reached over and opened the drawer, fishing out a bottle of lube, flicking the lid open and pouring it onto his hands. He threw it to the side when he was done. Bilbo heard it clank in the corner of the room, but could care less due to the fact that he was a little preoccupied in watching Thorin’s hands slide over his thick, long length.

With a grin Thorin positioned himself at his entrance, slowly easing in a little and Bilbo groaned at the sudden intrusion. There was a slight painful stretching, but Bilbo was so impatient for more he barely noticed. He grabbed tightly at Thorin’s shoulders, pushing himself further down, gasping for breath, delighting in the resulting fullness. He didn’t think it could get any better, at least until Thorin began to move, that is.

And then they were moaning into each others mouths, lost in the sensations of skin against skin.

His breath hitched with each push upwards and the bed rocked, hitting the wall noisily and Bilbo was suddenly thankful that his neighbours were away visiting family for the holidays.

It didn’t take long before he felt his climax coming, the euphoric feeling building up and rushing through his body.

Thorin came first, crying out, his body tensing, his thrusts beginning to border on the painfully rough. It seemed to do the trick for Bilbo, though, and he was soon shouting Thorin’s name, his head thrown back, all breath leaving his chest in a _whoosh_ , back arching; his body bow-tight.

His muscles began to relax soon after, his legs, now too weak to keep up, unwrapped from Thorin’s waist and slid down onto the mattress. Thorin climbed off of him, settling beside him grabbing the blanket and pulling it over them.

They stayed like that for some time, silent except for their gasping breaths. Bilbo was certain his heartbeat was so loud Thorin could hear it. He rolled onto his side, stifling a yawn and stretching, exhausted from their activities.

“Can I hold you?” the words were so quietly spoken he almost didn’t hear them a tentative hand lightly grazed over the skin of his side. His mouth twisted up into a smile and he murmured a yes, closing his eyes.

Bilbo felt a lick of warmth coil itself inside his belly when he felt Thorin curl around him. “You know you don’t have to ask,” he heard himself saying now.

“I want to ask. You might not want me to-”

“I might not want you to what? Touch me? We _did_ just have sex, Thorin- I think I’m okay with you touching me.”.

Thorin shushed him. “Just go to sleep.”

If his eyes were open he would have rolled them.

He fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore.


	15. Flirt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a thing.

Frerin, Bilbo found out about a month later, flirted with everyone: _including_ Thranduil.

He’d lost his job (a usual occurrence, Dis had assured him) and had come to crash at Dis’ house for a week while he looked for another one, which Bilbo didn’t mind at all. Apart from the occasional lewd remark, Frerin was very entertaining to have around. In fact, even the lewd remarks were rather entertaining things themselves.

Bilbo didn’t take it offensively, though he had been confused at fist. When he’d questioned Dis about it, she’d said that Frerin just had a habit of doing that to everyone (who wasn’t a family member, of course). Apparently flirtatious was his default setting.

So when he’d walked out the back to find Frerin leaning over the fence with a leer, and Thranduil glaring, but looking flustered, he was surprised, though he knew he really shouldn’t be.

 _Randy Thrandy_ and _Frerin_? It had just never crossed his mind as a possible thing.

“So..." Bilbo had said as they moved away from the fence and onto the back patio. "Randy Thrandy, huh?”

“Ah, he’s not exactly responsive.” Frerin gave a shrug. “I think he likes the short ones,” he gave Bilbo a big wink, which made him splutter.

“I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about and even if I did I don’t think I’d like what you were insinuating.”

“Come now,” Frerin nudged him with his elbow, “why else do you think he’s so nice to you?”

“Because he’s a human being and therefore capable of being nice to people?”

Frerin appeared to consider that for a moment or two. “Nah," he said eventually. "He wants to shag you. Seems to be a common thing.”

Bilbo blushed to the tips of his ears. “Enough of that now,” he scolded. “Or I’ll get Dis to send a message out to everyone saying you were hitting on Thrandy, and then you’ll be disowned.”

“Oh, you could never be that mean,” Frerin leaned down and pinched Bilbo’s cheeks. “You’re too nice to even consider doing that.”

“If you truly believe that, then you don’t know as well as I thought you did.” 

Frerin burst into laughter now, wrapping an arm around Bilbo’s waist. “I’d like to think I know you fairly well,” Frerin’s grin remained as his hand slipped further down. He was only playing around, Bilbo knew that, but he was loath to think what how Dis might react finding Bilbo with the wrong brother touching him.

“Uncle Bilbo, why does Frerin have his hand on your-?”

“Fili!” Bilbo must have jumped at last a foot high at the little voice behind him now, and he spun to find the two boys staring up at them curiously.

Frerin released Bilbo pretty quickly after that, kneeling down in front of the boys.

“Tell you what, if you don’t mention this to your Uncle Thorin, I’ll give you both ten pounds. Sound like a deal?” Kili nodded eagerly, but Fili was a little slower to suspect, shrewder in nature than his naive little brother, though he did accept (thankfully) after a few minutes of prodding and the promise of an extra five quid.

Though Bilbo knew Frerin wasn’t serious in his actions, Thorin would throttle him if he ever found out, and Bilbo didn’t really feel like letting that happen over something as silly as a teasing, friendly gesture.

 

* * *

 

During dinner that night, the conversation drifted to certain things Bilbo wasn’t comfortable talking about, and he’d found himself choking on his drink when Frerin asked how good his brother was in bed.

Dis had quickly scolded him, and Frerin had innocently stated that it was a simply enough question and that he was just making sure Bilbo was properly satisfied (which, of course, had made Bilbo red in the face and flustered enough to leave Frerin laughing like a maniac).

“You should go visit him, you know, during your break.” Frerin said when he was finally finished laughing.

“I will not just show up at his home uninvited. He’s very busy, I wouldn’t want to-”

“I swear to God, Bilbo, if you say ‘bother him’, I will be forced to smack you upside the head.” Bilbo just pouted as Frerin continued. “He’d love the surprise! Even if he had to work-”

“And what would I do when he was working? Sit about all day, twiddling my thumbs? No, it will not do.”

“Then I’ll come with you! I can keep you thoroughly entertained while Thorin is busy.”

“Frerin,” Dis warned now, stirring the pasta very calmly, “I may have my back turned but I _fucking_ _know_ that you’re wriggling your eyebrows suggestively and you’ll stop that right away.”

“ _Fuck_!” A happy voice announced.

“Kili!” Dis spun around, pointing the wooden spoon at the doorway where Kili and Fili stood, listening on eagerly.

“But you said it first Ma,” Kili was still smiling, though he seemed slightly confused now.

“I didn’t know you were in the room! You will not repeat that word ever again, do you understand me?"

Kili looked crestfallen. “Yes, Ma,” he looked down at his feet.

“Now come and sit down, dinner’s almost ready.” The boys trailed in, climbing onto the chairs, their legs swinging as they sat, neither not yet tall enough for their feet to touch the ground.

“Is Bilbo going to see Uncle Thorin?” Fili wondered now, stretching his arms out across the table.

“Maybe,” Bilbo murmured.

“And you’ll be going too, Uncle Frerin?”

“Certainly,” Frerin replied with a smirk. As annoyed as Bilbo was, the thought of visiting Thorin was nice. But he hated the idea of doing it as a surprise. And here in his head, he could say that he didn’t wish to bother him. Bilbo hated people showing up on his doorstep without warning and he did not wish to do that very same thing to Thorin, a person he really, _really_ didn’t want to screw things up with. He’d never really been in love before, and though he still had not said it out loud _properly_ ; he was sure he must have murmured it sleepily to him a thousand times over.

And though he hadn’t heard him say the words back, Bilbo was sure Thorin felt _something_ for him, even if he hadn’t voiced exactly _what_ it was.

“Come on,” Frerin was urging now as Dis dished up the food, “just a little surprise. It’s almost Thorin’s birthday, we could do it then- wouldn’t that be the best surprise, Dis?”

“I think it would,” Dis murmured, scooping some of the spaghetti onto Bilbo’s plate. “I’ve already told Dain that he’s to be ordered home if he turns up to work, so he’s got the day off.”

“I don’t know if...”

“Oh, come on, Bilbo, it’s your obligation as his boyfriend to do this sort of thing.”

“Alright, alright!” Bilbo threw his hands up, relenting. “But if we get there and I think we’re annoying him, we leave. Deal?”

“I don’t see why you think you’ll be annoying him," Frerin said now, "but fine. Deal,”

Bilbo sighed, but did feel a giddy jolt of excitement at the idea of seeing Thorin for his birthday. He just hoped it wouldn’t be a complete disaster.

 

 


	16. A Little Healthy Competition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Screaming because this story has nearly 10,000 views. Holy shit you guys are fucking awesome. So here you go, another update I wrote last night. This particular chapter is for 'sheblushesinink' , who gave me the idea of some sibling rivalry.   
> Enjoy!

Frerin had been punched by Thorin before. Not only on one occasion, either. So when he turns up on Thorin’s front door, arm thrown around Bilbo casually, Thorin almost has a coronary and breaks his brother’s nose, which he thinks Frerin expected.

The only thing that refrains him from smacking his brother into the afterlife is Bilbo’s unsure, shy smile, directed at him. His heart thumps unevenly, and if Bilbo would have allowed it, Thorin would have left Frerin on the doorstep and dragged Bilbo into his bedroom with plans on shagging him senseless without break for the rest of the foreseeable future.  But Bilbo would be mortified by such actions, especially when Frerin would know what was going on. So instead he smiles and opens the door wider, and sates himself (for now) with a small touch to Bilbo’s back.

“I hope we weren’t interrupting,” Bilbo was saying now, peering about the room in interest. Frerin jumped on the couch, spreading himself out leisurely. “Frerin said it would be fine if we surprised you for your birthday, but-”

“It’s a wonderful surprise,” he insists, daring to lean in and press a quick, soft kiss to Bilbo’s lips. They’re soft and warm and just as he remembers, and he should. Remember that is. He’d been thinking about those lips enough these past few weeks, torturing himself... and at the most ridiculous times, too.

The middle of a meeting was not the right time to be fantasising about his boyfriend’s lips and all the wonderful things they could do.

Thorin hummed in delight now, pulling away and watching Bilbo’s cheeks ripen to a delicious red when Frerin wolf whistled. He simply turned and gave his brother a pointed gaze. Frerin only rolls his eyes; after all, the Durin Glare didn’t work on family members. Last time he’d tried it on his brother (during the night of Fili’s birthday party, when Frerin had made a particularly lewd comment about the babysitter), Frerin had stood up and yelled ‘ _Fire cannot burn the dragon!_ ’ before storming out rather theatrically, earning laughter from Fili and Kili.

“Did you want a drink?” Thorin asked Bilbo now.

“A tea would be lovely,” Bilbo smiled and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “It wasn’t too long of a drive, but it certainly exhausted me.” Frerin opened his mouth, obviously to make some sort of innuendo about riding, but when Bilbo’s back was turned Thorin pointed at him in warning and Frerin closed his mouth, though he _was_ still smiling.

While the kettle boiled, Bilbo chattered on about how boring things still were back in Brighton, and about his studies, and how the boys who had been so devastated at his leaving, even for only a few days, that they’d tried to sneak into the car to go with them.

“Do you mind if I use your bathroom?” Bilbo asked now. “I feel quite dreadful and I think I need to splash some cold water over my face to keep me awake.” Thorin pointed to the direction of the en-suite and waited until he’d disappeared into his bedroom before he turned his gaze onto his brother, still lounging on his couch.

“I heard you got fired,” he said now.

“I heard that ancient sloths used to grow as big as elephants– what’s your point?”

Thorin resisted the urge to groan. “What the hell are you doing here, Frerin?”

“Bilbo was afraid you wouldn’t want him to visit so I’m here for moral support.”

“Bullshit.” Thorin replied.

“I beg your pardon. Bilbo is very self-conscious; I’ll have you know-”

Thorin rolled his eyes at his brother. “I wasn’t saying ‘bullshit’ to that part.”

“So I wanted to spend some time with my (extremely very probably) brother-in-law-to-be? Is that such a sin?”

“Fili said he caught you grabbing Bilbo’s arse.” Frerin sat up in shock now.

“That little bastard!” he sounded genuinely outraged. “I forked out twenty pounds for them to keep their mouths shut.”

“And he weaselled another thirty out of me before he would even tell me what you’d been up to in your little visit.”

“That little sneak,”

“He gets it from his mother.”

“No doubt,” Frerin murmured in agreement, running a hand over his jaw. “And it was only a friendly touch, really, Bilbo didn’t mind,” he continued, and Thorin’s eyes narrowed. “He knows I’m not serious.”

“And you aren’t? Serious, that is.”

“Would you like me to be? I always was the more charming one out of the two of us. You were never very good with the whole ‘talking’ thing. Sure, you could be awe inspiring when you wanted to- but that was really only when you were acting Commander-In-Chief, rallying us all together when we were kids to go and raid the ice cream truck or something.”

“Bilbo Baggins is not some sort of competition trophy you can win, Frerin.”

“Why ever not?”

“He’s a person, not a piece of meat.”

“I never said he wasn’t a person. And I never claimed that we were salivating dogs. But there’s nothing wrong with a bit of good old healthy competition.”

“I’m not asking you to keep away from him, hell I’m not even asking you to stop being friendly with him (though I know I bloody well should). All I’m asking is that you don’t be so much like... _you_ around him.”

“Like _me_?” Frerin repeated, dubious.

“Yes. Flirtatious. You can barley go a minute without making eyes at someone.”

“Well, it’s better than being Mr Stoic all the time.” If Thorin could roll his eyes any further they’d go right into the back of his head. “Besides, I get bored,” Frerin gave a shrug. “I like watching people squirm.”

“Then find someone else to watch squirm. Bilbo’s not comfortable with that sort of thing-”

“A lot like you, then.”

“-and I’d appreciate you not try and steal my boyfriend away like you did to Dis’ boyfriend when she was seventeen.”

“That was nearly fifteen years ago!”

“The amount of time that’s passed doesn’t make the fact change, Frerin. Honestly, the first guy she ever brings home and an hour later you’re snogging him in the pantry.”

“I got bored,” Frerin repeated again, “what else do you want me to say?”

“You still haven’t apologised to Dis: that would be a start.”

“It was so long ago, what’s the point?” knowing there was no way to convince his brother otherwise, Thorin just groaned.

“Yes, well I do _not_ want a replay.”

“What if _Bilbo_ wants a replay?” his brother grinned.

“ _Frerin_ ,” Thorin warned, ignoring the jealous spike that wormed its way through his body.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Frerin said now, giving a roll of his eyes. “I’ll leave you alone tonight and tomorrow: consider it a birthday present. Though I can’t make any promises after that. After all, brother, I always loved a little competition,” he raised a finger now, “But just remember that Dis will be doing her annual birthday-call, so you’d better at least answer the phone tomorrow. _If_ you can manage that,”

“Manage what?” Bilbo asked as he stepped out into the main room again.

“Nothing,” Thorin said immediately.

“We’re just talking about Thorin’s birthday, Bilbo. Dis always gets the boys to call him and sing happy birthday loudly,” he grimaced. “It’s a good thing they’re so cute, because otherwise I wouldn’t bother to listen to their singing.”

“They can’t be _that_ bad.” Bilbo was saying now, looking contemplative.

“They’re _brain_ _haemorrhage_ bad.” Frerin replied, and Bilbo laughed a little. Frerin glanced over at Thorin, smug, as if to say: ‘ _see? I can make him laugh_ ’. But Thorin refused to give hi many sort of reply.

He was not going to go into competition with his brother.

Though if he left a rather obvious hickey on Bilbo’s neck tonight there was no harm done.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to get the next chapter up asap (I just need to finish the last leg of it), though I am ten words off my fucking required word count for my uni assignment so I'm sort of bashing my head against the wall trying to finish it. Pity me!


	17. "Happy birthday,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, let me throw some attempted smut at you.

“Happy birthday,” Bilbo hummed into Thorin’s ear, blankets tangled around him. He heard Thorin hum something back, his eyes still closed, half-asleep. “Thorin? Thorin?” with a huff he wondered if he should just leave him. Though another part of his mind was shouting for him to do something else entirely.

 _Why the hell not, after all._ He thought to himself, feeling rather daring. _You_ are _his boyfriend._

Moving before he could change his own mind, Bilbo wriggled his way under the covers, hands finding the thick wall of muscle that was Thorin’s chest and running his fingers through the hair there.

He pressed a few open-mouthed kisses against his clavicle, nuzzling downward. Thorin twitched when he licked over a nipple, though he still did not rouse, and feeling a little bit bolder, Bilbo made his way further down, licking down his sternum and then to his navel. He got a groan at that, and grinned into Thorin's warming skin, hands circling the waistband of his track pants, pulling them down to reveal Thorin’s hardening length.

He licked a swipe down it now, hoping to jolt Thorin into waking, and though a small groan escaped his lips, Thorin still remained deep in his slumber. Bilbo almost rolled his eyes.

 _Well, in for a penny in for a pound,_ he thought to himself before slipping his lips over Thorin’s cock and swallowing him down.

Thorin shot of the bed now, hips jerking upwards, and Bilbo pressed his hands on his waist, calmly urging him back down onto the mattress.

Hands quickly found their way into his hair, knotting themselves through his locks painfully, and Thorin swore rather loudly, thrusting upwards in time to Bilbo’s bobbing head.

If he muttered anything else, though, Bilbo was too busy concentrating to notice. He pulled off briefly to flick his tongue along the head, smiling when that little move earned what only sounded like garbled gibberish to him.

“ _Bilbo_ ,” Thorin sounded pleasantly pleased but at the same time infuriated when he began to work him again, tongue running along his length. It wasn’t long until Thorin was crying his name out hoarsely, hips bucking, coming into his mouth. Bilbo swallowed, trying not to grin at the nonsense Thorin was breathing out in gasps now.

After catching his breath, he crawled up Thorin’s body and peered out from under the blankets.

“Morning,” he said, a sheepish smile spreading over his features when he took in Thorin’s mussed hair and glazed-over eyes.

Thorin growled, grabbing him by the shoulder and hauling him up further so their mouths could meet. “Morning," he replied when they finally pulled away from each other. "You should wake me up like that more often.”

Bilbo gave a little shrug, feeling his cheeks darken in slight embarrassment. He rolled off of Thorin now and curled into his side, Thorin wrapping an arm around him to move him closer.

“Happy birthday,” he murmured into Thorin’s shoulder. “I love you,” the words were quietly spoken, but he knew Thorin could hear them. The first time he’d said the words properly, to his fell (well, into his shoulder, but he wasn’t half asleep this time). Bilbo froze, waiting for the reply.

“Mm, it’s already started out terrifically,” and nothing more.

Bilbo tried not to be disappointed when he didn’t get the ‘I love you, too’ he expected back. But he couldn’t push Thorin into that, and he wasn’t going to point it out.

He wouldn’t have done that on the worst of days, and even if he had been very cranky about it (which he wasn’t, not really) he certainly wouldn’t ruin Thorin’s birthday over something that trivial.

Well, okay, maybe it wasn’t trivial, but he wasn’t going to overanalyse it... which he was doing now.

He heaved a sigh; closing is eyes and trying to make himself think of other things.

They stayed in bed for some time, and when they did eventually venture out to have breakfast, Bilbo notice Frerin wasn’t in the lounge room.

“Said he was going to be out today.” Thorin informed him when Bilbo mentioned it.

“For you birthday?” Bilbo was dubious. Thorin grinned.

“He knows when to give someone privacy. Albeit after a little (well, a lot) of dropped hints.” The phone trilled loudly.

“That’ll be Dis,” Bilbo said with a smile, watching Thorin pick it up and hold it away from his ear as two very out of tune boys sung a rendition of what Bilbo thought was ‘Happy Birthday To You’ but clearly wasn’t as the ending (or what Bilbo could hear of it) was really very rude. The two boys burst into laughter and Dis scolded and wrestled them for the phone before apologising to Thorin.

“Well, I’ll leave you alone now,” Bilbo heard her say after a few minutes of chatting. “Say hello to Bilbo for me,” the effrontery in her tone was obvious. Thorin hung up with a roll of his eyes.

“Good to see they’re just as nosy as they were when I left them,” he commented, pushing cornflakes around the bowl with his spoon.

“I doubt they’ll ever _not_ be nosy,” Thorin scoffed in reply, picking up a piece of toast and biting into it.

Thorin was right. Unfortunately nosy seemed to be the default setting for large families. Bilbo couldn’t find himself to be annoyed at that. It made him feel like he had a family that cared enough to _be_ nosy in the first place. He smiled down at the table.

 

 


	18. The Horrible Feeling of Sand Between your Toes

Most of the day was spent jumping between the bedroom and the kitchen (and maybe a little time on the couch as well), which Bilbo didn’t mind all that much.

“This is nice,” he breathed, staring up at the roof, absolutely exhausted.

“Mmm,” he felt Thorin’s nose run across his temple and his lips twitch into a smile.

“We’d better get up soon,” he continued reluctantly, “Frerin will be back any time now.” Thorin, groaning in irritation, rolled further onto his side, throwing his arm over Bilbo’s body.

“Just a little longer,” he negotiated, still not opening his eyes.

“Well... okay,” Bilbo wouldn’t have been able to deny him anyway.  So they stayed like that for some time more, until eventually he sat up, stretching, and climbed off the bed in search of clothes. “What should we have for dinner?” he asked as he buttoned up his shirt. Thorin pulled himself up, still in bed, and leaned head against the headboard. He looked ruffled and sleepy and content and Bilbo just wanted to crawl back into bed with him. But food was, unfortunately, an important part of life, and he hadn’t had anything to eat since midday. His stomach growled restlessly and persistently. “I think I’d eat anything at this point.”

“I think Frerin said something about bringing dinner back, so it’ll probably be pizza.” Pizza sounded like absolute heaven. Frerin’s company however, did not.

Bilbo felt a little greedy and more than a little guilty; after all he was Thorin’s brother and had every right to spend his birthday with him. Besides, he’d had all day with Thorin; it wouldn’t kill him to share for the night.

He wandered out into the kitchen now, filling the kettle up and sitting it on the oven. “Do you like it here in London?” he asked now, hearing Thorin follow him out.

“Of course, it’s loud and busy and distracting." Thorin paused. "Don’t you like London?” he asked after a moment.

“Oh, it’s lovely, I’m sure. I like Brighton, though,” he chattered on, grabbing some teacups, “I suppose I’ve spent so much time there I miss everything about it when I’m away- even the things I hate.”

“It is an alright place to be. Pretty and all.”

“I always liked the ocean, though. I used to go all the time when my parents were still alive.” Those were his best memories. “We’d collect seashells and run in the waves and when we’d get home my dad would pull of his shoes and a mountain of sand would pour out,” he chuckled.

“That sounds nice,” he turned to see Thorin sitting at the kitchen table, smiling at him.

“It was.” Bilbo kept his own smile in place, though he felt it falter slightly. _Was_. “It’s a shame Kili hates the beach, or else I’d take them both more often.”

“He always hated it. Takes after me, I’m afraid,” his face twisted into one of distaste, “The gulls and the horrible feeling of sand between your toes. And the wind,” Thorin gave a loud groan, rolling his eyes, “always tangles your hair horribly and makes it a complete bitch to brush.” Bilbo laughed.

“Drama Queen,” Bilbo teased, grabbing the cups and bringing them over to the table. “What’s your favourite memory, then?”

“From my childhood, or altogether?”

Bilbo wrapped his hands around the cup, giving a shrug. “Both, I suppose.”

“Well, I remember one time, before my mother died, we all went to Alton Towers for the day.”

“And?” Bilbo asked.

“And it was horrible," Thorin told him. "It pissed down with rain and Dis fell over and scraped her knee badly and Frerin stole my over-sized lollipop and then he tried to climb to the top of a fountain and broke the statue on it and we were asked to leave and told we could never go back.”

Bilbo burst into laughter. “And that’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Thorin shrugged. “It was a bad day, but we were all together, and dad got us a hot chocolate for the ride home and we all fell asleep sprawled across the back seat.”

“That's a good memory,” Bilbo said, smiling now.

“It is.” Thorin agreed.

“Can I ask what happened? To your mother?”

Thorin shrugged. “She was killed in a hit-and-run by a man named Azog. He got off free,”

“They let him go?" Bilbo asked. " _Why_?”

“Because people are stupid and easily corrupted, that’s why. His father was a politician, a well-known one, too. And god forbid a politicians son be punished for a crime he committed.”

Bilbo reached out and rubbed his arm. “I’m sorry.”

Thorin smiled softly and opened his mouth to reply, but before the words got a chance to leave his mouth the door was opened loudly, clanging against the wall and Frerin came inside.

“Bloody dreadful wind we’ve got today, but I got pizza!”

“Always at the wrong time,” Thorin muttered.

“You must be psychic,” Bilbo told him now, as Frerin came into the kitchen.

“I wish. If I were psychic I would have seen him coming and could have locked the door.”

Bilbo snickered.

“Good day, Bilbo?” Frerin’s tone was enough to leave Bilbo’s face red and his ears burning.

“It was fine,” he managed to mutter; keeping is eyes down on his cup.

“I made sure I got one with that ghastly mixture you always order,” he added, all but throwing one box in front of him.

“Pineapple and olives?” Bilbo wondered now.

“That’s the one,” he delved into his own box now, pulling a meat-ridden slice out ad shovelling it into his mouth, much like Fili and Kili did.

“You two do much today? Apart from each other, of course," he added slyly.

Bilbo choked on his mouthful of pizza. “Frerin,” Thorin growled the warning.

“Oh, fine,” Frerin rolled his eyes, “prudes.”

 

* * *

 

Later that night Bilbo curled into Thorin’s side, feeling his consciousness slipping away. "Hey, Thorin," he murmured, barely realizing he was still talking.

"Mm?"

"We should go to Alton Towers," he felt the rumble of Thorin's chuckle. It made him feel warm. "They probably won't recognise you. You have gotten a little bit taller,"

Thorin's laughter became louder. "They've probably got my name someone on a blacklist," he replied, his warm birth skirting over BIlbo's neck. "But just promise you won't try to steal any oversized lollipops and we'll be fine." They fell into a comfortable silence, and Bilbo felt a contented, warm feeling settle in his stomach. He'd have to go back to Brighton in a few days. Go back to sleeping in his own bed and making do with a rushed phone call every now and again. But for now he had this, and he'd enjoy it while it lasted.

“Love you,” he heard Thorin murmur into his hair. He barely caught the words, and it took a few slow moments for him to register what they meant. He smiled, eyes closing.

“Love you, too,” he yawned, burying his face further into the pillow. 

 

 


	19. An Old Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big big big thank you to Jackie, who suggested the idea for this chapter.

“Bilbo!” Bilbo stared at the man before him in shock. When he’d answered the door he’d been expecting the delivery man, not his short, pudgy high-school friend.

“Hamfast?” a slow smile spread over his features. “Hamfast!” he hugged him. “What on Earth are you doing here?”

“Well, I was in town, and I remembered that you lived here now, so I thought I’d find you.”

“Come in, come in,” he pulled back, letting Hamfast inside his tiny apartment. “Sorry for the mess. The place is a shambles. Between work and university I’m afraid I’ve let the place slip a little.”

“It’s perfectly fine, Bilbo,” Hamfast gave him a smile. “How about a cup of tea?”

“Oh, yes!” he rushed into the kitchen now, putting the kettle on. “How have you been?”

“Good,” Hamfast replied, leaning against the kitchen counter. “Been looking after the store now that dad’s retired,”

“Oh yes I heard about that, how is he?”

“He’s alright, fishing a lot.”

“And you’re liking being in charge of the store?”

“I was pretty much running it myself the year before he left so it’s much the same,” he gave a casual shrug. “How about you, you said you were working?”

“Babysitting,” he gave a roll of his eyes. “They’re absolutely horrors, lovely horrors, but horrors nonetheless.”

“You were always good with kids,” Bilbo felt himself flush at the compliment. “If anyone should have had them by now, it’s you.”

His mind automatically shot to Thorin, and he smiled a little sheepishly, feeling embarrassed. “Well, I’m sure I will. In time.”

“You just haven’t found the right person yet.” Hamfast was saying now.

“Well...” 

Hamfast’s eyes widened. “Or you have?”

“I don’t know,” Bilbo found himself grinning. “He’s wonderful and all, but it hasn’t been that long so I don’t think it’s right to even think about talking about children.” But now that he _was_ thinking about it, he knew he wanted to. “It’s silly,” he scolded himself now. “He might not even be the kind to want...”

“If he doesn’t then he’s stupid,” Hamfast insisted.

“That’s sweet, Hamfast, thank you.” Bilbo smiled softly. The kettle started to whistle and he moved to take it off.

“So, who’s the lucky guy then?”

“His name’s Thorin, he lives in London, but he’s down here often visiting his family. His nephews are the boys I babysit,”

“Your boss’s brother?” Hamfast didn't sound impressed at the knew knowledge.

Bilbo looked at him in confusion as he grabbed the teabags. “What about it?”

“Oh, nothing, just... never been a good idea in my experience to get with the boss’s family.”

“It’s not like that, really.” Bilbo insisted, “They’re sort of like... family,” Hamfast seemed dubious. “Really, Hamfast. Oh!” the idea came into his head suddenly, “did you want to meet them?” Fili and Kili would _love_ Hamfast, Bilbo just knew it. Two boys who loved dirt getting to meet a gardener? It was perfect.

After a little prodding, Hamfast agreed reluctantly.

So Bilbo called Dis to ask if it was alright.

“A friend?” Dis had sounded suspicious. “What kind of friend?”

“An old one from school. He’s great, really, and if you’re worried about it I’ll make sure he doesn’t go wandering in the house.”

“Oh, no, I’m sure he’s fine. If he’s a friend of yours...”

Bilbo grinned. “We’ll come over soon, then.”

“Alright, I’ll put the kettle on.”

“Okay,” he clapped his hands together once he’d hung up the phone. “Let’s go for a walk.”

“It is nice here,” Hamfast said as they walked. “Particularly in the summer months,”

“Definitely,” Bilbo agreed, “And we’re right near the beach...”

“Must be nice.”

“Oh, yes.”

“You always went on about those beach trips when we were kids. Bragged on and on to the rest of us who only went fishing on the weekend.”

Bilbo gave a shrug, sheepish. “Well, I might have been a little smug. But you were all so jealous!” he laughed now. “Jealous of my seashells and the sand that was in my shoes for months afterwards.”

“Well, we all wanted parents of our own who took us to the beach every weekend.” Hamfast coloured. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s perfectly alright. It’s been years since it happened; I think we’re allowed to talk about them.” Even if the memory did still pinch at him a little.

“Of course, but still...”

“You don’t have to skirt around the subject, Hamfast,” he insisted. “Really,” they reached the street Dis’ house was on now, and Bilbo pointed it out as they moved closer.

“Big place,” Hamfast commented.

“There’s only three of them now, but when the rest of the family is here, trust me, the house is more than full.”

“How long have you been working for them?”

“A little over a year now,” Bilbo replied, counting backwards.

“And Thorin? How long have you been with him?”

“Just a few months shy of a year, I suppose.” How the time had passed. Hamfast just made a small acknowledging noise and they walked up to the front door in silence.

Dis answered the door, covered in flour, and ushered them inside.

“Hello, hi, quickly, I’m making cookies and they’re going to get in the flour if I leave them for too long,”

“Oh,” Bilbo rushed through and into the kitchen, catching them just in time. “Put that down right now, Fili.”

“Bilbo!” Kili rushed towards him, grinning.

“Yes, hello,” he patted the boy’s mussed hair as he hugged him, wiping the flour from his hands all over his new trousers.

“Now look what you’ve done, look at this mess.”

“Sorry, Uncle Bilbo.” But they didn't look sorry. They were still grinning.

“You can say sorry once you’ve gotten down off the counter.” Fili did as he was instructed.

“Fili, Kili,” Dis called, coming down the hall now, “come say hello to Mister Baggins’ friend.”

“You bought someone?” Kili asked, looking up at him.

“I did. A good friend.”

 He came into the room now, along with Dis, and Bilbo waved at him to come closer.

“Fili, Kili," he put a hand on Hamfast's shoulder, "this is Hamfast,” Fili regarded him with high suspicion.

Kili simply frowned. “And he’s your friend?”

“Yes,” Bilbo replied, “we’ve known each other a long time.”

“Take a seat,” Dis said now, pushing past and cleaning up the mess the boys had made. “Make yourselves comfortable.”

They did as such, Fili and Kili following along. Neither one spoke, though, they just watched.

“So how long have you two known each other?” Dis wondered, starting up conversation where the boys refused to.

“Oh, God," Hamfast said now, scratching his head. "Since we were kids. My old Gaffer used to tell me we were inseparable even as babies.”

“You’re very close then,” Dis commented, wiping up the last of the flour and moving to grab a plate and something for them to eat.

“Yes, very close... though not so much lately, since Bilbo moved away to study,” Hamfast gave a grin. “He liked the beach so much he always wanted to live here.” Bilbo didn’t mention the small fact that he liked the beach so much because it was the last real link he had to his parents and his childhood. That might bring the company down.

“So how long are you planning on staying in Brighton, Hamfast?” she set a plate of biscuits down in front of them and smacking Fili’s hand away when he reached for a handful.  “One at a time, Fili,” she scolded gently.

“Oh, I’m not sure yet. Could be three days could be three weeks,” he shrugged.

“And where are you staying?”

“Oh,” he cleared his throat, “well, I haven’t checked in anywhere yet. I was hoping...” he glanced over at Bilbo, “if you didn’t mind, of course...”

“Of course not, Hamfast!” Bilbo brightened at the idea of having some more company. “You can stay at my house however long you’d like.”

Hamfast smiled, relieved. “Thank you,”

“It’s nothing.”

Fili and Kili were watching the friendly exchange with frowns on their faces.

“The man is staying with Uncle Bilbo?” Kili wanted to know now. “In his house: like a sleepover?”

 “Exactly, you have people to stay the night sometimes, don’t you Kili? Good friends,”

“Great friends,” Hamfast corrected, smiling, and reached for a biscuit, which he would have picked up, had Kili not leaped over the table, latching his teeth into Hamfast’s forearm.

“ _Kili_!”

“I am so sorry,” Dis said now as she pulled Kili off of him. “He’s never bit anyone before.”

“Did he break the skin?” Fili asked eagerly.

“You two out now,” Dis pointed to the door, “Up to your rooms,”

“But Ma-”

“No buts, you bit a man and you egged him on. Now go,” With a huff they left as Bilbo went and wet a cloth. As they tromped up te stairs he could hear Kili announce: _"I don't like him."_

“I’m sorry,” he said as he wiped it over Hamfast’s arm now. “He’s usually better behaved than this-”

“It’s alright. It’s fine. Skin didn’t even break,” he chuckled, though Bilbo could see it was a little forced. “Kid must really like his biscuits.” Dis looked uncomfortable.

“We’d better go...” Bilbo said now, setting the cloth down. “They’re very obviously going to be difficult for the rest of the day...”

“I’m sorry about that,” Dis told him as he got to his feet, “You know what Kili’s like sometimes...”

“It’s alright, I do.” The boys were usually very selfish about who he spent time with. “I’d better go speak to them before I go...” he turned to Hamfast. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

He heard Kili when he got up the stairs and turned down the hall, bawling his eyes out. When he pushed open the door he found them sitting on the floor, Kili’s face buried into his brother’s chest.

“Oh, Kili,” Bilbo sighed, kneeling down beside them, “come here,”

“I don’t want you to go away,” Kili mumbled into his shoulder, sniffling. Bilbo frowned.

“I’m just going home, Kili, I’m not going anywhere.”

“But you’ll leave with the man," he whined.

“With Hamfast?” Bilbo asked, and Kili nodded sullenly. “Kili, I’m not going anywhere with Hamfast, why would you think that?”

“Because you’re great friends and I wouldn’t want to be away from my friends and now he’s going to take _you_ away.”

“Look at me,” Bilbo pulled Kili’s face up to his. “I am not going anywhere with Hamfast.”

“You aren’t?” Fili asked now.

“Of course not.”

“Promise?” Kili demanded, still looking sullen.

“Kili, I swear to you. Now what’s wrong with Hamfast?”

“I don’t like him.”Kili announced, just as he had on the stairs before.

“Neither do I,” added Fili.

“Why not?”

“We just don’t.”

Bilbo rolled his eyes. “Well, maybe next time you can resist the urge to bite the man, okay?” Kili hesitated, but nodded slowly, though he pouted while he did it. “Silly boys. I have to go now,”

“But you’ll be back?” Fili wondered.

“Of course. I’m looking after you tomorrow, aren’t I?” He left them upstairs and went back down to the front hall where Dis and Hamfast were waiting.

“They’re both really very sorry,” he told his old friend. “Kili thought I was going to leave with you because you came to visit me.”

“Kili’s very protective of Bilbo.” Dis added now. “They don’t often have babysitters staying for such a long time,”

“I can see why.” Hamfast muttered.

“Silly boys,” he murmured again as they left.

“Are you sure about this Thorin guy?” Hamfast asked after a few minutes of silent walking.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if he’s anything like his nephews...”

“Fili and Kili are good boys. They’re just a little... possessive sometimes,”

“Exactly my point,” Hamfast said now. “I just hope that you’ve made the right choice, is all.”

“I made a perfectly fine choice. Those boys are good boys, and they’re very protective of family and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“You’re not their family, Bilbo.”

“I’ll have you know that they are my family, thank you very much, and I’m insulted that you would suggest otherwise.” Hamfast didn’t understand, of course he didn’t. He still had his own family. But Bilbo had spent a large chunk of his life alone and now that he had something he could call a family he wasn’t going to let someone else tell him that it wasn’t actually a family.

Hamfast apologised, and though Bilbo was still a little upset, he couldn’t stay mad at his old friend for too long, so he sighed and forgave him.

But he certainly wouldn’t be able to bring him back to the house ever again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omfg WHY IS THIS CHAPTER SO LONG NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN IT.


	20. Wherein Thorin's Phone is Constantly Ringing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was eating a whole tub of chocolate ice cream and accidentally pressed 'post' instead of 'keep draft' because my fingers were freezing so here, have another chapter early.

The first phone call Thorin got was from Dis.

“Bilbo just called me: he’s bringing some guy around the house.”

Thorin felt a twinge of something he didn’t want to admit to at his sister’s words. Anyone else who spent time with Bilbo was received with a fair bit of envy on Thorin’s part. “Some guy?” Thorin repeated, eyebrow raised.

“He says he’s an _old friend_.”

“Well, maybe he is an old friend.” Though Thorin had to admit he was a bit envious. He barely saw him enough as it was.

“Oh, come on Thorin, we all know what that means.”

Thorin didn’t. “Do we?” he wondered.

“Are you really that thick? If you’re introducing an old lover to a new one, how do you refer to them?”

“Well, I suppose I’d refer to them as an old-” Thorin cut himself off as he realised, “...oh,” that couldn’t be good. “You think this guy’s an ex?”

“I don’t know, but Bilbo seemed to think the world of him.”

“They _could_ just be friends,” but he was sounding less and less sure, and the words were said to convince himself more than they were to convince Dis. “You know what Bilbo’s like, he probably doesn’t even realise what he said.”

“Maybe, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, right?”

Over the next few days Thorin’s phone was practically blown up with calls.

“Heard there was trouble in paradise,” Frerin said over the phone instead of giving a greeting. “Does this mean I can make my move now?” Thorin had simply hung up.

Thrain called next, casually asking about the mundane things before dispensing the formalities and moving into the conversation he _really_ wanted to have. “Dis told me Bilbo’s got company in his house,” he’d casually announced and Thorin had almost dropped his cup of coffee.

“What?”

“That man. Ham...somethingorrather, I don’t know,” he could all but picture his father shrugging at the words. “Apparently he invited himself to stay at Bilbo’s house and Bilbo let him,” Thorin set his mug down with a clatter. “Have you talked to him?”

“I’ve been busy.” He’d replied tightly. “It’s only been a few days.”

“Oh, dear,” his father tutted into the phone now, making Thorin wonder if he’d done something to make Bilbo avoid him. But for the life of him he couldn’t think of what it might be.

Next it had been Bofur. He’d called him to ask about the store hunting, because a small place had opened up down the road and it had seemed perfect. “Someone told me you screwed up,” Bofur wanted to know.

“Screwed up?” Thorin repeated.

“You and Bilbo,” Bofur clarified.

“What? No.”

“So you two aren’t...?”

“Of course not,” They weren’t, _were_ they? Thorin shook his head. Of course not. He’d bloody know if they were. “Who told you that?”

“Thrain said something to Dwalin who said something to Ori who said something to me about some guy shacking up with Bilbo.”

Thorin was getting a headache. “His friend is visiting. That’s all,”

“Oh. That’s alright then, I suppose.”

 _He supposed?_ Thorin groaned as he hung up. _God damn it._

Fili and Kili, of course, added to the long list of relatives who were checking up on the health his and Bilbo’s relationship.

“Uncle Thorin?”

“Kili?”

“Is you and Bilbo still okay?” he rolled his eyes and fell back into his chair, staring up at the ceiling.

“Yes. We’re fine,”

“You sure?” Fili’s voice filled the phone now. “Cause he’s got this friend and-”

“-he’s just a friend,” Thorin finished.  “Friends visit each other sometimes, don’t they?”

“I suppose...”

“Are you two up on the chair again?”

There was a pause. “Maybe...”

“Okay, you need to get down now-”

“You should come and visit Bilbo,” Fili demanded now. “If you come and visit Bilbo will be happy and you can help us scare Hamfat away.”

“Who?”

“Hamfat,”

“The man!” Kili added helpfully.

“Oh, his friend. _Hamfat_?” he repeat, frowning. “Is that really his name?”

“Uh-huh,”

“We thought it was weird, too, Uncle Thorin.”

“Right, well, I’ve got work, I can’t just come down.”

“Not even on the weekend?”

“If I came down for the weekend, I’d have to leave straight after work on a Friday and leave around midday on a Sunday, and that wouldn’t give me long to see you all, would it?” Then again, the idea didn’t seem all that bad.

“I s’pose not,”

“Listen, I’ll try my best to come and visit sometime soon, and you two can keep an eye one this Hamfat for me, okay?”

“Okay!”

“Good. Now get off the chair and go do your homework.”

“But Thorin-”

“Now, Fili,” he heard the boy huff into the phone now.

“Fine,” he grizzled. Thorin hung up and ran a hand over his chin.

Maybe he should call Bilbo...

 

 


	21. Catching Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did another thing.

Hamfast was good company to have around the house, but Bilbo didn’t bring him back to the Durin’s when he was working. Instead, he stayed back, surprising Bilbo each time with a well made meal and repairs to his house.

“I can’t believe you fixed that door,” Bilbo said now, pulling it backwards and forwards, watching it move smoothly. “I’ve been having to lift it up and move it every time I wanted to get into the cupboard.”

“Well, now you don’t.” Hamfast declared with a flourish.

Bilbo grinned. “Thanks for all the help around the house, Hamfast, I appreciate it.”

“Well, I am staying here; I might as well fix a few things up.”

“You don’t have to, though, so I appreciate it. Not to mention all the lovely food you’ve been cooking,” the past few nights Bilbo had returned home, tired and wanting nothing more than to collapse and had  a lovely meal waiting for him. “I’ve been far too tired to cook my own meals lately so if you hadn’t of made anything I wouldn’t have eaten.”

“Well, then you’d better eat now,” Hamfast waved to the food.

Bilbo scooped up some of the lovely pasta Hamfast had been finishing when he got home. “Very domestic of you,” it was only four in the afternoon, but he was certainly ready for dinner. “When I left you could barely make a toasted cheese sandwich.”

“I’ve learnt to be domestic.” Hamfast gave him a grin as he replied.

“I can tell,” they ate in companionable silence for some time before the phone trilled loudly.

Bilbo swiped the phone up and pressed it to his ear. “Hello?”

“Hi, Bilbo.”

“Oh, hello Thorin,” by the look on Hamfast’s face his smile must have been stupidly bigger than he thought. He went into his room for a bit of privacy. “What did you need?” he asked now, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Nothing really, Fili and Kili called me.”

“Did they?”

“They seemed..." Thorin paused, clearly searching for the right word, " _distressed_ ," he finished eventually.

“Oh, yeah, Kili went full Zombie Apocalypse and started gnawing on Hamfast’s arm.”

“Yes, I heard something about that. Hamfa _st_?”

“Yes. Hamfast," Bilbo paused. "They didn’t tell you who Hamfast was?”

“They said something...” Thorin said now.

“Ah, well he’s an old friend from school. He’s staying in Brighton for a few days so we’re catching up.”

Thorin took a moment to reply. “Staying _in_ your house?”

“Yes, of course,” Bilbo replied. _Where else?_

“That’s kind of you,” Thorin replied dryly.

“Oh, come now. I’m not going to let him sleep in the street, am I?”

“I’m sure the man can afford a hotel for a few days.”

“And what kind of a friend would that make me?” Bilbo asked him.

“One who doesn’t have to cater to people who show up randomly at your house with no warning.”

Bilbo paused, frowning. “Thorin... are you _jealous_?”

He heard Thorin splutter over the phone. “N-No I am not. Of course I’m not.”

“Oh, my God, you _are_.”

The other line was silent for some time. “Fine,” Thorin sighed eventually. “Maybe a little,” Bilbo found himself laughing. “Don’t laugh at me,” Thorin groaned now.

“Why on Earth would you be jealous, Thorin?”

“Enough.” Thorin said instead of answering the question.

“Oh, don’t be silly. I don’t see why you’d be jealous at all,” though Bilbo felt a little twinge of happiness at the thought of Thorin missing him. “Really, I mean, he’s sleeping on the couch and he’s one of my oldest friends-”

“I get it. I get it.” Thorin sounded like Kili when he was being told something he didn’t like.

Bilbo grinned. “I love you,” he announced.

“I love you, too,” the reply was gruff, but Bilbo could hear Thorin smiling now.

“Now get back to work,” he ordered halfheartedly.

Thorin chuckled. “Yes, sir.”

Bilbo hung up and left his bedroom in bright spirits.

“What did he want?” Hamfast asked as he set the phone back down on the cradle.

“Oh, nothing, really, just catching up,”

“Must have been a good catch up,” Hamfast said a little dryly, gauging Bilbo’s wide smile.

“It certainly was,” his smile faltered a little. “You’d like him, Hamfast, you really would. He’s so... _him_. Unique. I’ve never met anyone like him before.”

“He sounds nice,” Hamfast’s words held no mirth, though, no real emotion, and Bilbo knew he was only saying them to placate him.

“Listen,” Bilbo said now, twisting some pasta wound his fork, “I’ll be working tomorrow.”

“ _Again_?” clearly Hamfast wasn’t impressed.

“Well, Dis didn’t ask, but I know she needs a little help. She’s got to get a lot done tomorrow so I’m going to take the boys out to the park or something. Dis you want to come?” some adult company would be nice. Maybe Hamfast could help out when the boys got a little unruly.

“I’d rather not, actually,” Hamfast admitted gently, “don’t feel like getting bitten again, you see.”

“Right, of course. It’s okay,” he’d just have to handle the boys by himself.

And that was certainly going to go well.

 

 


	22. His Father's Watch

“Uncle Bilbo! Look what I can do! Uncle Bilbo!”

“I see you Fili, I see you. But maybe you could get down from on top of the ice cream truck, please?”

“Come down, Fili!” Kili called from his place beside Bilbo. He was jumping up and down in impatience. “I can’t climb up, it’s not fair!” Fili laughed at his brother, then agreed and began to make his way down off the roof of the truck.

“I am _so_ sorry,” Bilbo apologised to the vendor for the fiftieth time when Fili was safely on the ground and holding his hands. “I really am-”

“Just get them away from the van,” the man wasn’t angry, in fact he looked on Bilbo with a fair amount of pity.

“Thank you,” he all but dragged the two boys away, who were whining when they realised they weren’t getting ice cream. “You climbed on top of the truck; of course you’re not getting ice cream,” he said now.

“I didn’t!” Kili announced sullenly.

“You dared him too,” Bilbo countered. “Besides, it’s three o’clock and it’s getting dark now. We’d better go home,”

“But we want to stay out longer,” Kili became a dead weight, still holding onto his arm, and Bilbo almost fell down with the added weight pulling at him. Fili quickly caught on and followed and Bilbo managed to drag them three feet further down the road.

“The sooner you get home the sooner we can get something to eat,” The prospect of food perked Kili up marginally and he swung off of Bilbo’s arm, bolting forward down the road.

“Don’t run ahead!” but his warning fell on deaf ears, and Kili laughed loudly, bounding ahead. That was until he ran straight into a man coming out of the alleyway.

“Oh!” Bilbo rushed towards them, skidding to a halt when the man grabbed Kili’s shoulder roughly. Jerking him around, and pulled a knife out.

“Give me your money or I’ll cut his throat,” he demanded. Everything inside Bilbo froze then shattered into a million tiny pieces.

He immediately fished through his pockets, grabbing his wallet and offering it to them man. “That’s everything, I swear it is,” the man didn’t seem appeased, however.

“Your watch, give me your watch,” he pointed at it with his knife before returning it to Kili’s throat.

The watch had been his fathers, but Bilbo didn’t need to think about it. He reached for the clasp and undid it, handing it over.

They must have caught someone’s attention down the street, because suddenly there was a lot of yelling, and the man panicked. Bilbo reached for Kili, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him away, which the man certainly didn’t like. He swung at Bilbo, and he felt the knife slice the skin of his chest. He cried out, falling backwards in pain, as the man ran off.

“ _Uncle Bilbo_!” Kili’s screech was deafening, and Bilbo clutched at his chest.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s not that deep,” though it still hurt like hell. He looked down at his hands, now stained red with blood. “I think, I, uh…” he started feeling very dizzy. “Oh, dear,” he felt the world around him turn unnaturally and his head hit the pavement painfully as unconsciousness took him.

 

 


	23. Come Home, Bilbo

Bilbo woke up to the annoying sound of beeping and the feeling of warm fingers entwined with his own. His eyes opened slowly, painfully, and he found Thorin beside him, hunched over, one of Bilbo’s small hands clasped between his own. He looked dreadfully tired, eyes sunken and hollowed, deep dark lines etched underneath them.

He felt a lot of emotions roll through him, and among the pain he felt throbbing in his chest he could feel a great relief and happiness at seeing his boyfriend, but all he could do was frown and speak roughly.

“What are you doing here?”

Thorin’s head snapped up and his face become awash in relief. “ _Bilbo_!” and then suddenly Bilbo’s head was being cradled in his hands and his lips laden with kisses.

He didn’t mind much, but his head was _aching_.

“What’s going on?” he murmured through Thorin’s kisses. “I’m really very sore,” as if only realising, Thorin let go of him, apologising profusely. “It’s fine, Thorin,” Bilbo informed him, smiling softly. “I just...” he shifted uncomfortably, “would you mind helping me up a little? I’m dreadfully uncomfortable.”

Thorin gently put his hands on Bilbo’s shoulders and helped him into a sitting position. “You do remember what happened, don’t you?” he asked as Bilbo settled against the pillows. “You were walking Fili and Kili home and-”

“Oh, yes, the man.” The memory flashed into his mind now. “Fili and Kili?” he asked desperately, clutching at Thorin’s shirt, “They’re okay?”

“They’re fine, they’re fine,” Thorin insisted, “going crazy over you, though. They refused to leave all night and Dis had to drag them away kicking and screaming so they could get some sleep.”

Bilbo glanced to the side of the room now where the window was, finding morning sun shining through. He’d been unconscious all afternoon and night, then. “You were in London,” he looked at Thorin now in confusion as he spoke.

“Dis called me as soon as she got to the hospital,” Thorin rubbed his hand, soothing him with the soft movement of his thumbs over Bilbo’s skin. “I left work and drove down straight away.”

“Did they get him?” Bilbo wanted to know now. “Just think,” he laughed mirthlessly, “who’s stupid enough to rob someone in daylight?” he paused now, a few more of the fact slipping into place in his mind.  “He took my watch,” he lamented suddenly. “It was my fathers,” the intense wave of emotion that washed over him left him shaking, and it took him more than a moment to realise he was crying. Thorin pulled him to his chest, arms wrapping tightly around his small body, now wracked with sobs. “And Kili looked so scared,” he continued now, words muffled by Thorin’s shoulder. “I shouldn’t have let him run off so far ahead, I-”

“No,” Thorin pushed him away now, hands curling against Bilbo’s shoulders. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for that.”

“But I-”

“No. I don’t blame you, the boys don’t blame you and Dis certainly doesn’t blame you, so you don’t get to blame yourself. The only person at fault is the thief, who _will_ be caught. And when he does get caught, we’ll get your watch back. Okay?” Bilbo sniffled.

“Okay,” he agreed, feeling a little better. “You’ve been here all night?”

“Of course I have.” Bilbo reached out and touched his face.

“You didn’t have to.”

“I did,” Thorin disagreed. “And I wanted someone to be here when you woke up.”

“Oh!” Bilbo shot up now, “Hamfast!”

“Oh, your friend. He’s only just gone for a coffee, he’ll be back soon.”

“He’s here?”

“He’s been here since early this morning. Fili and Kili got a little angry when he first came in yesterday afternoon, so he left.” Bilbo wanted to groan.

“So you’ve met him then," he said now.

“Yes.”

“And?” he prompted.

“And what?” asked Thorin.

“What do you think of him?”

Thorin gave a shrug. “We haven’t really talked to each other,”

“You mean you’ve both just been sitting here all morning, not speaking?” he asked.

“We had other things on our mind,” Thorin told him.

Bilbo sighed and squeezed Thorin’s hand. “Well, now you don’t. I’m fine. Apart from a slight,” he winced when he moved now, “twinge,” he finished. “Oh,” he gave a sigh now, “I’d kill for a cup of tea.”

Jumping at the chance, Thorin brightened marginally. “I’ll get you one,” he announced, getting to his feet. “I’ll be right back.”

“Thank you.”

“Just try not to move too much,” he bent over, lips brushing softly against Bilbo’s brow.

Bilbo wasn’t alone for long. After little under a minute, Hamfast rushed through the door, breathless.

“Bilbo!” he must have seen Thorin.

“Hello, Hamfast,” he all but fell into the chair beside Bilbo’s bed now, grabbing his arm tightly.

“You had me real worried there, Bilbo.”

“I had myself a little worried, too,” he admitted in return. “I’m sorry about Fili and Kili,”

“It’s alright. I get it. They were a mess,”

“They had just experienced their first robbery,” Bilbo shifted, uncomfortable. “Mine too,” he added, pulling a face.

“This wouldn’t happen if you were back in Hobbiton with the rest of us,” Bilbo gave an eye roll, but Hamfast continued. “No, I’m serious, you need to _come_ _home_ Bilbo.”

“I think he should decide that, don’t you?” Hamfast stiffened as Thorin’s voice filled the space between them.

“Thorin,” Bilbo sighed. He very clearly wasn’t impressed. “Hamfast is just a little worried about the safety of Brighton, that’s all,” he turned away from Thorin and looked to his old friend now. “And I’m not going anywhere. Regardless of a robbery or not.”

Thorin seemed to relax a bit at that and moved to sit at Bilbo’s other side, handing him a steaming cup of tea. He took a tentative sip, not wanting to burn his mouth.

“Oh, that’s lovely, thank you.”

“You shouldn’t bring such things up,” Thorin said now, frowning at Hamfast. His words weren't angry, which made Bilbo feel a bit better. He was not scolding, simply stating a fact. “He’s recovering, you’ll make him stressed,” Hamfast wrinkled his nose, very clearly knowing Thorin was right in his words. “If you want to talk him into going back to Hobbiton then you should wait until he’s better.”

“He doesn’t _need_ to try and convince me about anything. I don’t want to go back to Hobbiton. I like it here, Hamfast, even if you don’t. I have work and my studies and Thorin and his family are here... well, technically you’re not,” he added, turning to Thorin now, “but you get my point."

Thorin smiled softly. “You should get some rest,” he told Bilbo now. “I’ve called Dis so she’ll be bringing Fili and Kili in later,” the prospect of seeing the little boys again made Bilbo feel much better.

“Good,” he sighed happily, leaning against his pillows and closing his eyes. “I do think I need a bit of rest... But you’ll wake me if the tea gets too cold, won’t you? I don’t want to waste it...”

Thorin chuckled. “I will. I promise,”

“Good,” he sighed again, relaxing.

 

* * *

 

Fili and Kili were utterly desperate to see him. They climbed onto the bed, accidentally pulling at wires and tubes they weren’t supposed to, knocking them out. When his machine flat-lined, they panicked.

“You killed him!” Kili said, fraught, eyes wide and mouth hanging open in horror.

“No, no, it’s alright, it’s just this, see?” Bilbo pushed the pulse bit back over his finger and the machine steadied again. Fili let out a gulping huff. “You didn’t kill me.”

“Are you okay, Uncle Bilbo?” they both moved closer, sprawling over his legs and chest,

“I’m fine, just a little sore. Are you okay?” Fili nodded sullenly, his brother following suit.

“We’re sorry, Uncle Bilbo.” Kili mumbled, looking down.

“What for?”

“For getting you hurt,” Fili answered for his brother.

“Oh, come now,” he put his arms around the boys. “You did nothing wrong. If anything I should be apologising to you.”

“For what?” Fili cocked his head to the side.

“Well, I dare say I feel responsible for Kili being grabbed off the street,”

“But that was me!” Kili argued now. “I ran ahead, and you said I shouldn’t, but I did it anyway, and if you don’t leave I promise I’ll never do it again.”

“Leave? Why would I leave?”

“Because we got you hurt, and Ma said that maybe you wouldn’t want to babysit us anymore...”

“Don’t be silly, of course I want to keep babysitting you.”

Fili’s eyes sparkled. “You do?”

“Obviously, what else would I do with my time?” Delighted, the boys hugged him painfully, but he winced through it, ignoring the ache of his wound and concentrating on the boy’s warmth. They then proceeded to curl up either side of him, telling him all about the police and the ambulance and the people yelling, and how the doctors had rushed to get him into surgery that they’d thought he was going to die. Kili had whimpered, burying his face into Bilbo’s side when Fili recounted that last part.

“Now don’t you worry,” he assured the two afterwards, “I’m perfectly fine, and as soon as I’m well, I’m going to come over and we can all play together in the backyard, sound good?”

“Very good,” Fili nuzzled his head against Bilbo’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “Can we stay here all night, Ma?”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Fili, but we can stay however long you want until Bilbo needs some privacy, okay?”

“M’kay.”

Bilbo watched the both of them doze off, trapping him in that position on the bed.

“You sure you’re alright? I can take them home if-”

“Don’t be silly," Bilbo told her now. "You look tired; I think you could use the break.”

“They were up crying all night. I feel so responsible for-”

“I’m not allowed to blame myself, so you can’t either,” Bilbo chastised her. “You didn’t do anything, and of course I want to stay working with the boys. You do want me to stay, don’t you?” he hadn’t considered that. Maybe she felt they weren't safe with him anymore...

Dis looked shocked. “Of course I do! Why would you think otherwise?”

“I suppose I’m just a little paranoid,” Bilbo laughed a little now.

“Well, after meeting the family I can see why you would be. They’re all going mad, by the way,” Dis added, “I called them all to tell them last night once we’d left you. Ori’s knitting you a scarf and I know Bombur’s going to try and send over some ‘ _Get Better Soon_ ’ cake, and my phone has almost blown up with at the calls and message I’m getting.”

Bilbo was touched. “How sweet.”

“Well, you’re family now, aren’t you?”

He felt his eyes growing damp. “I like to think of myself as that, yes,” he agreed.

Dis grinned. “As soon as you’re better we’re going to have a party, and everyone’s going to come down for the weekend to see you.”

“That sounds lovely,” and it really did.

Dis pursed her lips, looking like she was contemplating something.

“What is it?”

“Dain called me, you know,” she informed him with a smile.

“Dain?” he repeated. The name sounded familiar, but...

“Thorin’s partner in the company,” she explained.

 _Oh_.

“What did he want?” Bilbo wondered.

“He wanted to know who was: ‘ _so damn special he had Thorin cutting out on work so much_ ’.”

Bilbo felt himself growing red. “Oh, dear.”

“Don’t be embarrassed! Dain’s happy that Thorin’s finally found something other than work to occupy his life. We’re all saying it’s about time.”

Bilbo grinned slowly. “I suppose so,” he agreed.

 

 


	24. An Unexpected Visitor

Fili and Kili didn’t leave his side unless they had to, or, at least, when they were dragged away kicking and screaming. Thorin was much the same, and Bilbo smiled, thinking that the boys took after their uncle a lot.

He was released from the hospital the day he woke up, and spent the next few days in his apartment with Thorin and Hamfast tending to him. It was nice, but a little frustrating, because neither said a word to another.

For the first few days Thorin didn’t touch him as often as he used to, and had become rather tentative.  Soon enough Hamfast had to leave, which seemed to brighten Thorin marginally.

“He really makes you happy, huh?” Hamfast was standing at the front door, watching Bilbo carefully. He was all packed and ready to go, and his taxi cab was waiting.

“He certainly does.” Bilbo replied, and Hamfast rolled his eyes.

“Well, if he does that then I can’t complain,” he set his bag down and throwing his arms wide. “Come on, at least give me a hug before I go.”  Bilbo laughed, wrapping his arms around him.

“It was good to see you, Hamfast.”

“You too.”

Thorin finally makes love to him the day after Hamfast leaves. He’s gentle the first time. Probably because he thinks Bilbo’s still all cringe-y and scared from the attack a few days before. And he is, of course, but that doesn’t mean he’s scared of Thorin. He gets anxious when he’s outside sometimes, and doesn’t like to be alone, but he can cope with that. What he doesn’t like having to cope with is Thorin treating him like some sort of glass object.

But Bilbo doesn’t mind the extra attention he’s being lavished with right now. The extra kisses along his neck and shoulders, the softness of fingers tracing down his sides... it’s nice. Not that Thorin isn’t usually soft, of course he is, but he’s more conscientious now in a way Bilbo’s not used to.

He’d never really had many people care for him, and now he has too many and it’s a bit disconcerting. But he likes it.

“So, tomorrow,” Thorin murmured as they laid side-by-side.

“Tomorrow,” Bilbo replied, eyes still closed. “Is everyone coming?”

“Mostly. Gloin and Oin can’t make it, but they send their well wishes.”

Bilbo hummed in response, feeling warm. “That’s nice of them.”

“They like you,” Thorin replied simply, and Bilbo could feel him shrug his shoulders.

“I like them, too,” he paused for a moment. “You sure you can take so much time off of work?” he asked now.

“You were hurt. I want to be here. Dain understands.”

“As long as you’re sure...” Bilbo murmured, snuggling closer.

“I’m certain,” he felt Thorin’s fingers ghost over his cheek and smiled. “Bilbo,” the word was soft, a little hesitant, “do you like having me here?” Bilbo’s eyes opened and Thorin’s words.

“Of course I do,” he said now, smiling, “You don’t think I do?”

“No, it’s not like that, I just... well, I just thought the other day that we don’t spent that much time together, and-”

Bilbo frowned. "Well, neither of us can exactly just pick up and go.”

“I know that.” Thorin replied, sighing.

“I have my studies and Fili and Kili are a handful and take up most of my time-”

“Well, yes, but-”

“And you work really hard and you don’t get a lot of time off-”

“I don't, no.” Thorin agreed.

“We find time where we can, and even then it’s not much so I don’t know how we could find any more-”

Thorin clamped a hand over Bilbo’s mouth. “That’s what I’m trying to say,” he informed him softly now. “I wanted to talk to you about that.”

Bilbo sat up. “What do you mean?”

Thorin opened his mouth to reply but a loud knock on the door beat him to it. He groaned loudly, throwing himself back into the pillows.

“I’d better answer that,” Bilbo said, a little sheepish.

“Go ahead,” Thorin said on a long sigh. “Everyone always interrupts us.” Bilbo struggled out of the bed and padded out into the main room, reaching the door and pulling it open.

“ _Frerin_?”

“Hello, my lovely little pumpkin,” Frerin grabbed him and yanked him upwards, smashing their lips together. Shocked, Bilbo let out a squeak, and Frerin dipped him a little.

“ _Frerin_!” Thorin stormed across the room now, ready to pull his brother off of Bilbo.

“What?” Frerin set a shocked Bilbo back on his feet, “I was just saying hello,”

“The hell you were. Leave now,” Thorin pointed to the door.

“Oh, I’d love to, but I can’t. I’ll be staying here tonight,”

“What?” Bilbo squeaked, still recovering from the kiss before.

“Well,” Frerin jumped on the couch as he spoke, getting comfortable, “Dis and I got into a fight.”

“What did you do?”

“I may or may not have taught the boys how to swear in Khuzdul.” Thorin groaned loudly, pressing a hand to his face. “So,” Frerin continued, “she kicked me out and told me I could stay in a hotel tonight. But I thought: ‘ _why stay in a hotel when I can just sleep with Bilbo_?’.”

“ _With_ Bilbo?” Thorin repeated.

“Oh, you read too much into things.” Frerin waved his brothers assumption off.

“Considering you stuck you tongue down his throat when he answered the door I think it’s not reading into things at all. Not to mention I’m well within my right to. And you cannot stay here. _No_.”

“I don’t actually think that’s up to you,” Frerin announced now, looking pleased.

Both of them turned to Bilbo.

“I... uh,”

“Oh, for Mahal’s sake-” Thorin threw his hands up and stormed back into the bedroom. “I give up.”

“Thanks, Bilbo,” Frerin grinned now, wriggling further into the couch.

Bilbo sighed.

 _Great_.

 

 


	25. "Oh,"

It was quite a nice day for a barbeque. Warm and relatively sunny, save for the occasional cloud that ran over the sun, casting shadows.

Bilbo had been received with a large amount of crushing hugs, kind words and smiling faces, and at one point he was trying to keep himself from crying. Hamfast didn’t understand when he’d said this wasn’t his family. It certainly was, and he was glad of it. Even with Fili and Kili getting him stuck in ventilation shafts intermittently, and the occasionally mad snog from Frerin, who seemed to be leaning over the fence a lot more as of late to wink at Randy Thrandy.

Thorin leant down as they stood around the portable grill, lips brushing against his ear softly.

“Can we talk?” Thorin kept his voice quiet, deep voice sending vibrations through his body and sending his nerves into tingles.

“Sure,” he felt Thorin’s hand slip into his and he pulled him away from the others, back into the house where they could have some privacy. “What is it?” he looked up at Thorin, surprised to see apprehension drawn all over his usually stoic face. “Is something wrong?”

“Well, uh...” he let out a nervous laugh, “I just, uh... I mean, I’ve never...”

“Thorin?” Bilbo’s hands slipped up his chest and onto his shoulders, a gesture meant in comfort. Thorin grabbed hold of his hands, looking into Bilbo’s eyes with an earnest that left him with that warm feeling in his stomach and chest.

“Look,” Thorin said now, seeing slightly breathless and more than a little desperate. “I’ve never been one to really commit to things...”

Bilbo felt his heart clench painfully. _Oh_.

And all at once a thousand little pieces of sharp ice embedded themselves into his chest and stomach, his throat closed, and his breath caught.

Of course he’d known this was going to happen, in fact, he was scolding himself for not realising it sooner. Of course Thorin would get tired of him. He supposed he just hadn’t expected it to happen _now_ of all times. He’d only been out of the hospital for a week or so, and he still wasn’t fully comfortable with going outside on his own. But he supposed Thorin was being honest, and not dragging him along, so he could at least pretend to be grateful until he got home.

“Right,” Bilbo said now, glancing back up and wondering if he should take this moment to memorise every little bit about Thorin’s face. The slight crook of his nose, or the dark lashes that framed his eyes that he sometimes spent hours trying to count. Or the little quirk of his lips when he found something amusing.

“Look,” Thorin was sighing now, running a hand through his hair. Bilbo would miss those wonderful hands. “I just-” he broke off with a sigh, looking pained. After some time in silence, he inhaled deeply, as if building himself up for it, and finally spoke again, words quick. “I’ve decided to move to Brighton.”

 _What?_ Well, those weren’t quite the ‘ _I don’t want to be with you anymore_ ’ words he’d been expecting. “I...”

Thorin closed his eyes and spoke the words as if he’d been trying to memorise them in his head for some time now. “Sometimes you realise there are more important things than work and I’ve already accomplished so much in my career and I realised that the truth is I miss you and I love you and that’s what matters so I decided to release most of my obligations and move to Brighton where I can work from home. Because I want to be with you, and I know I’ve always been the kind who never wanted to do that but since I met you I realised that I do want it, _desperately_.”

The words came out in a rush, nervously babbled, as if he expected Bilbo to freak out. So Thorin visibly relaxed when instead of the reaction he’d been expecting, Bilbo’s face stretched into a slow, delighted smile.

“ _Oh_ ,” was all he said.

Thorin looked down at Bilbo, face twisted in apprehension and just a little hope. “Oh?” he asked.

Bilbo’s smile was painfully wide. “That’s nice.”

Thorin let out a relieved laugh, the sound loud and delightful and the most wonderful thing Bilbo had ever heard. “Thank God. I was worried you’d think that I was... you know, being... well, the way I never really liked people acting before. Clingy or something.”

“I don’t think you’re clingy at all,” Bilbo said now. “You’re independent and fantastic,” he was still smiling as he spoke the words.

“I think you’re pretty fantastic, too.”

 

 


	26. A Family Outing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!

“Can I just say now that this is the worst idea you’ve ever had,” Thorin told Bilbo now, who was consoling a crying Kili. The day had been horrible. It had rained, as it usually did on these outings, and the car had broken down, and Fili had been nauseous and then sick all over the back seat. And Obviously Thorin had been the one to clean it up, because Bilbo was helping Fili, who was still being sick, empty his breakfast onto the side of the road.

“Shh, honey, it’s okay,” Bilbo rubbed little circles in Kili’s back now, comforting him. “It’s just a small scrape on your knee, it’ll be fine, I promise.”

“So they won’t have to cut it off?” Kili asked now, looking up at Bilbo sullenly. Thorin would have laughed at that, had his jumper not been soaked through with rain.

But Bilbo, with his infinite amount of patience, simply smiled at the boy. “Oh, no, Kili, of course they won’t.”

“You promise?”

“I promise,” Bilbo looked up at Thorin now. “And it’s not the worst idea I’ve ever had,” he replied tautly. “I’ll have you know I think the worst idea I ever had was suggesting Frerin finally make a move on Thrandy."

Thorin snorted. “At least it was amusing for the rest of us, him getting shut down. This,” he gestured around them,”is hardly amusing.”

“You said we could come to Alton Towers, so here we are.” Bilbo picked Kili up and rested him on his hip, wiping the tears from his face with his fingers. “Do you feel a little better now?”

“I can’t walk! I’m a cripple now!” What utter nonsense that was, but Bilbo didn’t say anything.

“Well, we’re going to have to get you a wheelchair,” Thorin told his nephew, “And your brother...” he looked about him. “Where _is_ your brother?”

Bilbo had only just noticed Fili had gone missing.

Yes, this was the worst idea Bilbo had ever had, although Thorin would admit it sometime later in the years to come that it was one of his fondest memories, second to getting kicked out of this very same place when he was a child.

And maybe in the months to come they would take Fili and Kili out for a day at the beach, and Kili would complain the whole time, and Fili would drop his ice cream in the sand and Thorin would have to give him his, even if he didn’t want to. But he’d still enjoy it, because Bilbo would walk along the sand with a smile, picking up shells and showing the boys had to listen to them.

And then, maybe one day, if Bilbo ever agreed to it, they could adopt a little monster of their own.

But right now, as they desperately searched for Fili, these thoughts were far from his mind.

Their anxiousness, however, was met with significant relief when they found Fili nearby, calling out to his brother to see what he’d managed to do. Though that relief was short lived as security came rushing over. It seemed Fili was much more like Frerin than they'd realised.

“Fili!” Bilbo yelled now, almost dropping Kili when he realised where exactly Fili _was_. “Get down from the fountain statue _now_!”

 


End file.
